Three Essential Elements in Every Relationship

Three Essential Elements in Every Relationship

Three Essential Elements in Every Relationship

1. Setting and Managing Clear Expectations

Setting clear expectations is crucial in any relationship, whether it’s personal or professional. Many people advocate for the approach of “under promise and over deliver,” but this logic is fundamentally flawed. A more effective strategy is to set accurate and realistic expectations based on your experience and capabilities.

I once visited the Penske NASCAR team in North Carolina and observed their pit crew testing the time it took to change tires. The crew’s goal wasn’t just to achieve the fastest time possible but to find a consistent and reliable target time. For example, if the pit crew could change the tires in 11 seconds one time, 17 seconds another, and 14 seconds a third time, the instinct might be to set the target at 11 seconds, assuming they would always want to be as fast as possible.

However, what we learned was that the team valued consistency over occasional speed. They aimed for a target of 14 seconds because it was a time they could reliably achieve. This consistent timing allowed the racer and the team to plan and adjust their strategies effectively, knowing they could depend on a predictable pit stop duration.

This principle applies to various aspects of life. Whether in marriage, family relationships, or at work, setting accurate expectations allows everyone involved to plan and act accordingly, leading to more successful and harmonious interactions. This approach is not about under-promising and over-delivering; it’s about setting realistic expectations and consistently meeting them, which builds trust and reliability.

2. Making Decisions with Pace

The ability to make decisions quickly and confidently is essential in both personal and professional relationships. While you won’t always get every decision right, the more decisions you make, the better you become at analyzing data and making informed choices.

A common challenge many couples face illustrates the importance of this skill. Imagine a couple visiting a new city, walking down the street, and one partner asks, “Hey, where do you want to eat?” They spend the next hour walking past several restaurants, each trying to be respectful of the other’s preferences and neither wanting to make a decision that seems bossy. In the end, they both end up frustrated and hungry.

This scenario underscores the need for making decisions with pace. Knowing your partner’s preferences regarding food, service, and atmosphere allows you to make swift decisions that satisfy both of you. If you know your partner loves Italian food and prefers a cozy, quiet atmosphere, you can confidently choose a restaurant that meets those criteria, avoiding unnecessary frustration.

In professional settings, the ability to make prompt decisions can significantly impact team efficiency and project outcomes. Leaders who can analyze available data quickly and make sound decisions help their teams stay agile and responsive to changing circumstances. This decisiveness fosters a sense of confidence and reliability within the team, enhancing overall productivity and satisfaction.

By honing your decision-making skills and understanding the preferences and needs of those around you, you can strengthen your relationships through timely and well-considered actions. Making decisions with pace not only improves efficiency but also demonstrates respect and understanding, which are fundamental to any successful relationship.

3. Assuming Positive Intentions

Assuming positive intentions is a crucial mindset that can transform how we interact with others. When we start conversations with the belief that the other person means well, we open ourselves up to really listening and understanding their emotions and reasoning. This leads to more constructive and respectful dialogue, even if we disagree.

For instance, when we assume positive intentions, we give grace and allow ourselves to fully process what the other person is saying before reacting. This prevents misunderstandings and conflicts that often arise from assuming negative intentions. Reacting prematurely to what we think the other person means can lead to unnecessary upset and escalate conflicts.

In both personal and professional relationships, fostering a mindset of assuming positive intentions can help maintain healthy and productive interactions. It encourages us to consider the other person’s viewpoint and respond thoughtfully, leading to deeper understanding and more positive outcomes.

By giving grace and approaching conversations with the belief that the other person has good intentions, we can break the cycle of negative interactions. This simple shift in mindset can make a significant difference in our relationships, helping us build stronger, more trusting connections with others.

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It’s not about us. It’s about them.

I’ve said this so many times it’s getting old, but some people just don’t seem to listen—and maybe, if I’m honest, I don’t always take my own advice either. Here it is: it really doesn’t matter what you said, how you said it, or what you intended. What matters, if you truly care about the other person, is how they felt.

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How understanding grows.

How understanding grows.

How understanding grows.

It is so important to have a balanced group of friends from whom to draw wisdom, knowledge, and perspective. I am blessed to have this in abundance, but I also admit that I take it for granted from time to time. It’s easy to get comfortable with people who think like you, but growth happens when you engage with those who challenge your assumptions.

I encourage everyone reading this to consider who in your circle of trust has a perspective different from yours. Reach out to them and ask them to share their story. Ask questions that go beyond the surface, especially about topics that might seem difficult or unfamiliar. This isn’t about agreeing with everything but about expanding your understanding.

That’s how understanding grows. That’s how hatred is thwarted. And that’s how change begins—by taking the time to listen, learn, and empathize with someone else’s experience. Small conversations lead to larger shifts, and those shifts can ripple outward, creating real change in how we see the world and each other.

The privilege of being uncomfortable

The privilege of being uncomfortable

The privilege of being uncomfortable

I recently had an eye-opening experience that got me thinking about the concept of comfort, privilege, and inclusivity in our everyday lives. The incident involved a friend who usually revels in his familiar social circle and activities. In this particular circumstance, his weekend routine included indulging in fine dining, lounging by the pool with friends, enjoying an array of expertly mixed (by others) cocktails, and staying in comfortable, private accommodations (my home) instead of a hotel. In many ways, his life that weekend was a bubble of comfort and predictability similar to his life in his home city.

However, one outing that weekend pushed him out of this bubble. After a weekend of being able to do all of the “normal” stuff, he was taken to explore various city sites, culminating in a visit to a majority LGBTQ bar featuring a drag performer. This was a departure from his norm, and his reaction was, frankly, disappointing. Upon feeling out of his element, he chose to walk out, citing discomfort. His decision not only created an awkward situation but also led to frustration among everyone else involved. Frankly, it ruined the entire weekend.

This incident has stayed with me, and it keeps gnawing at me much more than it should. It highlighted a stark reality: the privilege of being uncomfortable only occasionally is something many people do not have. For individuals who find themselves outside the majority – whether due to their sexuality, race, religion, or any other aspect – discomfort is often a constant companion. It’s not something they can choose to walk away from; it’s a part of their daily existence.

My friend’s inability to remain in a setting that was outside his norm speaks volumes about the bubbles we create around ourselves. These bubbles are safe spaces, but they also limit our understanding and acceptance of different perspectives and lifestyles. His reaction was a missed opportunity for growth, for stepping into someone else’s shoes, for understanding and empathy. (And it was immature and childish, in my opinion. As it could have been handled much better.)

I think about the individuals in that bar, for whom such spaces are sanctuaries where they can freely express themselves without judgment or fear. What message did my friend’s abrupt departure send to them? It was perhaps a reminder that their reality is often seen as uncomfortable or challenging by those who live in the comfort of the majority.

This experience has been a catalyst for my own reflection on privilege and the importance of stepping out of our comfort zones. It’s easy to remain ensconced in environments where our views are never challenged, and our way of life is never questioned. But growth, understanding, and inclusivity come from experiencing the unfamiliar, from recognizing and respecting the diversity of the world around us.

My friend’s discomfort could have been a moment of learning and broadening his horizons. Instead, it turned into a retreat to the familiar, to the comfortable. It’s a reminder that being able to choose when and how we confront discomfort is a privilege in itself – a privilege that many do not have.

As we navigate through life, it’s crucial to recognize this privilege and challenge ourselves to embrace discomfort from time to time. It’s in these moments that we grow the most, developing a deeper understanding of the rich tapestry of human experiences that make up our world.

Just a thought.

Be well. Lead On.

The memories remain. And the triggers exist.

The memories remain. And the triggers exist.

New,York,City,Downtown,Brooklyn,Bridge,And,September,11,Tribute, 911

Never Forget, Even if the Pain Dissipates

I didn’t talk publicly about September 11 until almost 10 years after the horrible day. The day the world changed. And then I wrote a few posts and shared more. Then I started to reduce the amount that I talked about what happened that day. And some people ask me if it’s because I think it no longer matters or if too much time has passed. Does it mean as much today as it did 22 years ago? Does it impact me the same?

And I’m not really sure how to answer that. Because whenever I think about what happened that day I still have the same feelings of anger and fear and frustration that I had over 20 years ago. 

I still remember my morning in lower Manhattan that day. I still think about the images of people running down the street and clouds of debris flying after them and towards me. I still wonder what it is that I am supposed to be doing in the world. Because instead of taking my normal route that would have had me in the World Trade Center at the exact time the first plane hit, I took a different route. 

I still recall the kindness of strangers that I met when I walked over that bridge in Brooklyn. The unity amongst black, brown, white, and all the colors of the world gathered in solidarity against evil. I’m smiling thinking of the family that took me to Queens to stay with them for the night. While I figured out what I was supposed to do next. And the cute pictures on the wall of the bedroom I stayed in which belonged to a little boy.

I remember the smells of lower Manhattan. And I don’t think I’ve ever actually talked about the smells but I remember the smells. The smell on the morning which was of an intense burning stronger than any fire I’d ever smelled. The smell of the people around me covered in dust and dirt and sweat. The smell a few days later when I was finally able to leave the city on a train to Philadelphia so that I could rent a car with 4 strangers to take me back to my family in Chicago. And the smell when I first came back to New York in October a few weeks after. The smell of death and decay. The most awful smell I have ever experienced.

But I also remember the calls, texts, and messages. The ones that came through when my mobile phone finally starting to work again. My loved ones and even long silent friends checking in to make sure I was ok. My fellow New York based friends that had been stuck on the upper side of the Island.

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I also remember the sense of community continuing today and yet still very different. Those that were in the building and survived could understand each other but not talk to others. Those who like me were just down the street felt pain and sadness yet struggled to find the words to say to our colleagues at ground zero. And I just could not listen to people with lots to say who were nowhere near the city that day. I get it. We all saw it replayed over and over again on television. But only some saw the desperation directly. The bodies. The debris.

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And I remember the ignorance. The conversation with my Sikh colleague as he told me how many people were making hateful comments to him because he, like some Muslims, wore a head wrap. The assholes that made statements about Jews. People were angry and often that anger b needed an outlet. So i remember how quickly community became dissent became community again. The cycle continues today. The constant search for a common enemy. A shared experience.

So I guess the answer is that of course I remember. Like it did after the death of my stepfather Karl that happened 10 years later, the pain does dissipate. And I no longer feel guilty about that. But the memories remain. And the triggers exist. And so occasionally I will write about it. I will always think of those who lost their lives simply because they went to work. I will always be grateful to those who lost their lives actively running toward the danger. They saved thousands. And I thank God for pulling me through and helping guide my path that day and every day.

And now those damn tears start.

Be well. Lead On.
Adam

Adam L. Stanley Connections Blog

Technology. Leadership. Food. Life.

AdamLStanley.com

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The answer is “It Depends”

The answer is “It Depends”

I’m often asked by friends and mentees whether they should make a career change, or be “afraid” due to an organizational change or another major corporate event. Often frustrating to them, my answer is almost always “It depends.”

The truth is the answer to that question is most often not a binary yes or no. 

First, changes at the top rarely have a significant impact on the day to day work and job satisfaction of individual employees. Being in the c-suite, we sometimes overinflated our impact or the impact of org org chart shuffling. Yes, we drive strategic direction and significant changes have a knock-on impact throughout the company. But the reality is the top layer in most large companies at most directly touch 5-10% of employees. Ask the best CEO to handwrite the names of employees he or she talked to personally last quarter.

According to an in-depth time study by Harvard Business School professors Michael Porter and Nitin Nohria, CEOs spend, on average, just 6% of their time with frontline teams, only 3% with customers, and 72% in meetings. I would imagine this to be close to the same for many others in the c-suite. I personally began to miss team interaction the higher up in the organization I climbed.

The sad, or not so sad, reality is that hundreds of decisions are made everyday at the top that have little or nothing to do with you as an individual employee amongst thousands of other employees. And some decisions were influenced by executives outside of your chain of command.

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Second, unless it is specifically relating to an individual’s power, position, AND perspective (3 Ps), simply moving a function from one individual to another does not necessarily change organizational dynamics overall. Power influences how much air cover your team will have. Position influences budget and ability to spend money on things important to your function. But perspective of the new leader ultimately determines how much of their power and/or position they are willing to leverage on behalf of the new function they inherited. Some CIOs found this out the hard way when their dream of reporting directly to the CEO was fulfilled. They found the move hurt rather than helped their tech strategy objectives when the CEO had little time or interest to focus on technology and their voice was heard less.


Finally, and most importantly, one should never make decisions based solely on any one factor. Be it an org change or a budget cut, an acquisition or spinoff, the impact on your career depends on your specific circumstances across a spectrum of experiences and events. What have you already learned and how much more can you learn within the new environment? Is your job bringing you joy or satisfaction for the most part and, if so, how likely is it that the change would impact that?

The achievements of an organization are the results of the combined effort of each individual. – Vince Lombardi

Having a successful and rewarding career is a key part of your life journey. But it is only a part. Remember that finding life balance requires at least a modicum of joy at work. But it’s also enjoying time with family and friends, taking care of one’s health, and aiming to truly figure out what you as an individual want out of life. Don’t fall for the trap of overreacting to changes that might make for a great press release but ultimately not impact your individual journey.

The answer to all of life’s questions is to some extent, “it depends”, because ultimately it depends on YOU.

Be well. Lead on.

Adam


Adam L. Stanley Connections Blog

Please check out these related blogs:

 #team #job #work #power #health #change #career #leader

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Black man working in American

Black man working in American

As a black man in America, to get ahead you must learn to adapt to working with so many different people. Some will think you are angry. Some will think you are emotional. Some will find you arrogant while others will question your confidence. Some will say you are too aggressive and others will tell you that you are too nice. You are either too masculine or not masculine enough. Black employees are judged negatively for self-promotion yet often left out of lists for promotions because they “are not visible enough”. And heaven forbid if you don’t fit into the sterotypical vision of a black man they expect: straight, religious, macho, “urban”.

Everyone will assume one thing or another about you without really taking the time to get to know you personally because ultimately they either fear you or simply do not find you relevant enough to take the time.  As evolution works, those of us that advance are those who figure out the system enough to chart their path through an unequal, unfair, and incredibly biased system using skills that inevitably require them to be tougher, more resilient, and perhaps a bit less sympathetic to those who either have not had the same fight or have given up the fight. So when someone in that space leaves the system to which they have become accustomed and comes to a vastly different system, a supposedly more enlightened system, they find themselves out of the frying pan and into a roaster. And so ultimately they just leave all institutionalized systems and aim to create their own. But is this really possible?

Be well. Lead on.

Adam

Be good to people.

Adam L. Stanley 

Connections Blog
Technology. Leadership. Food. Life.

@adamstanleyatx on social media