Why Reflecting Negativity Backfires: Understanding the Mirror Effect in Conversations
Have you ever had one of those conversations where someone shares a negative perspective or complaint, and in an attempt to support them, you reflect their words back to show understanding—only to have them argue with you as if you originated the negativity? It’s a strange phenomenon, but it happens more often than you might think.
This kind of interaction highlights an interesting quirk in human communication and self-awareness. When someone voices frustration or negativity, they might feel momentarily validated in expressing their thoughts aloud. But when they hear the same sentiment repeated back, especially in your voice, it can feel like they’re being confronted by their own words in a way they weren’t prepared for. Suddenly, what felt true in their head or in their voice doesn’t sit well when mirrored back. It’s as though the negativity takes on a new weight, a new presence, when it’s externalized by someone else.
This is even more prevalent when the negativity they’re expressing is about someone they love. When people talk about frustrations involving close friends or family members, they may not truly mean everything they’ve said or might not want those sentiments to linger. Repeating those words back can force them to confront the dissonance between their love for that person and the temporary irritation they felt in the moment. The result? A defensive reaction, often aimed at you, the person who simply mirrored their feelings.
The Mirror Effect
When you reflect someone’s words, you’re essentially holding up a mirror. This can create an opportunity for self-awareness, but it can also trigger defensiveness. Hearing their own thoughts spoken back can make them reevaluate their perspective, and often they’ll start to rationalize or even backtrack to avoid fully owning the negativity they initially expressed. It’s almost as if they’re thinking, “Well, that sounded a lot worse than I intended!”
Once their words come from you, it’s no longer just an internal thought or their own private narrative. It becomes something external, shared, and more objective. This shift can make people feel exposed or even judged, especially if the negativity is something they’re grappling with internally. They may subconsciously disown the sentiment and redirect their discomfort toward you, the “messenger.”
Tone and Intent
Another layer to consider is tone. When you repeat someone’s words, even with good intentions, your tone or phrasing might unintentionally convey a different emotion or level of intensity. What they shared as a fleeting frustration might sound more absolute or critical when repeated, and they may react as if it’s an attack or disagreement—even though you’re just repeating their own thoughts.
What Can We Learn From This?
If you’ve found yourself in this situation, it’s a good reminder that communication is about more than just words. People don’t always say what they mean, and they don’t always process their own emotions fully before sharing them. Here are some ways to navigate these moments more effectively:
Validate First Before reflecting someone’s words, start by validating their feelings: “I can see why you’d feel that way.” This acknowledgment can create a safer space for them to explore their thoughts without feeling judged.
Paraphrase Instead of Parrot Rather than repeating their exact words, reframe their sentiment in a softer or more constructive way. For example, if they say, “I hate how this team always drops the ball,” you might say, “It sounds like you’re frustrated with how things have been handled recently.” This can make the negativity feel less stark.
Ask Open-Ended Questions Instead of reflecting their words, try asking questions to help them unpack their thoughts: “What do you think might help in this situation?” This shifts the focus from the problem to potential solutions and keeps the conversation collaborative.
Check Your Tone Be mindful of how your tone and delivery might amplify or shift the meaning of their words. A gentle, empathetic tone can go a long way in ensuring they feel supported rather than challenged.
Recognize When to Let It Slide Sometimes, the best approach is to simply listen without reflecting or reframing. Not every comment needs a response, and sometimes just being a sounding board is enough.
At the end of the day, these interactions are a fascinating reminder of how much our words and perspectives can shift depending on context. They also highlight the power of empathy and careful communication. By staying mindful of how we reflect and respond, we can help others feel heard and understood—without unintentionally triggering defensiveness.
Next time you find yourself in a conversation where someone shares negativity, take a moment to pause before responding. You might just find that small shifts in your approach can lead to deeper connection and understanding—and fewer arguments about ideas that weren’t even yours to begin with!
It is so important to have a balanced group of friends from whom to draw wisdom, knowledge, and perspective. I am blessed to have this in abundance, but I also admit that I take it for granted from time to time. It’s easy to get comfortable with people who think like you, but growth happens when you engage with those who challenge your assumptions.
I encourage everyone reading this to consider who in your circle of trust has a perspective different from yours. Reach out to them and ask them to share their story. Ask questions that go beyond the surface, especially about topics that might seem difficult or unfamiliar. This isn’t about agreeing with everything but about expanding your understanding.
That’s how understanding grows. That’s how hatred is thwarted. And that’s how change begins—by taking the time to listen, learn, and empathize with someone else’s experience. Small conversations lead to larger shifts, and those shifts can ripple outward, creating real change in how we see the world and each other.
I didn’t talk publicly about September 11 until almost 10 years after the horrible day. The day the world changed. And then I wrote a few posts and shared more. Then I started to reduce the amount that I talked about what happened that day. And some people ask me if it’s because I think it no longer matters or if too much time has passed. Does it mean as much today as it did 22 years ago? Does it impact me the same?
And I’m not really sure how to answer that. Because whenever I think about what happened that day I still have the same feelings of anger and fear and frustration that I had over 20 years ago.
I still remember my morning in lower Manhattan that day. I still think about the images of people running down the street and clouds of debris flying after them and towards me. I still wonder what it is that I am supposed to be doing in the world. Because instead of taking my normal route that would have had me in the World Trade Center at the exact time the first plane hit, I took a different route.
I still recall the kindness of strangers that I met when I walked over that bridge in Brooklyn. The unity amongst black, brown, white, and all the colors of the world gathered in solidarity against evil. I’m smiling thinking of the family that took me to Queens to stay with them for the night. While I figured out what I was supposed to do next. And the cute pictures on the wall of the bedroom I stayed in which belonged to a little boy.
I remember the smells of lower Manhattan. And I don’t think I’ve ever actually talked about the smells but I remember the smells. The smell on the morning which was of an intense burning stronger than any fire I’d ever smelled. The smell of the people around me covered in dust and dirt and sweat. The smell a few days later when I was finally able to leave the city on a train to Philadelphia so that I could rent a car with 4 strangers to take me back to my family in Chicago. And the smell when I first came back to New York in October a few weeks after. The smell of death and decay. The most awful smell I have ever experienced.
But I also remember the calls, texts, and messages. The ones that came through when my mobile phone finally starting to work again. My loved ones and even long silent friends checking in to make sure I was ok. My fellow New York based friends that had been stuck on the upper side of the Island.
I also remember the sense of community continuing today and yet still very different. Those that were in the building and survived could understand each other but not talk to others. Those who like me were just down the street felt pain and sadness yet struggled to find the words to say to our colleagues at ground zero. And I just could not listen to people with lots to say who were nowhere near the city that day. I get it. We all saw it replayed over and over again on television. But only some saw the desperation directly. The bodies. The debris.
And I remember the ignorance. The conversation with my Sikh colleague as he told me how many people were making hateful comments to him because he, like some Muslims, wore a head wrap. The assholes that made statements about Jews. People were angry and often that anger b needed an outlet. So i remember how quickly community became dissent became community again. The cycle continues today. The constant search for a common enemy. A shared experience.
So I guess the answer is that of course I remember. Like it did after the death of my stepfather Karl that happened 10 years later, the pain does dissipate. And I no longer feel guilty about that. But the memories remain. And the triggers exist. And so occasionally I will write about it. I will always think of those who lost their lives simply because they went to work. I will always be grateful to those who lost their lives actively running toward the danger. They saved thousands. And I thank God for pulling me through and helping guide my path that day and every day.
In 2015, I drafted my personal ten commandments and shared them through this blog. It’s been several years, a global pandemic, a marriage, a relocation, multiple bosses, and now approaching another decade in the next couple of years. Yikes. So, I thought it was time to brush off the commandments.
Your life will change. Your job will change. Your circle of friends will evolve. But your core values and principles should be consistent. And while you may compromise on compensation, title, which restaurant to dine at or movie to see, there should be certain things about which you refuse to compromise. Your values should drive how you respond to change, success, and to trials. Here are my personal 10 Commandments.
I. Be Mindful
Every day. This is first because in many ways it is the toughest. This is continuing to smile as you are given very disappointing news. This is being respectful when you want to scream profanities. This is rising above and, as Michelle Obama famously said, when they go low, you go high. And, as my Dad says, unless God calls first, there will be a tomorrow.
I try to make choices that I believe benefit the world and make it a better place. The world is especially challenging right now, making this more difficult than normal, but I still do my best to make good choices. I remember that though I may disagree with others’ acts and opinions, God still calls on me to love them as I love myself.
II. Be Kind
There is never any reason to be an asshole. Being unkind is not going to convince people to be nice to you. In fact, being a jerk is most likely going to cause people to dislike you and do as little for you as they can. You’ll commonly hear that cheaters never win, and the same goes for mean people. My mom taught me this more than most. After weeks of hearing me crying about bullies in middle school, she called me to the back porch and gave me a tough lesson for which I am eternally grateful. In the end, she taught me, the nice people are going to win with their dignity in tact. Think about your life in high school. The bullies are usually the ones who end up working under the people who were kind. They peak in that one moment you feel you are at your lowest, but you continue to rise. You continue to shine. Be kind, always.
I have often told the story of a senior leader at a prior job that called me into a meeting with him and proceeded to tell me something that ultimately changed my career. He said that the clients loved my work and I could be an integral part of his team but that I was too nice. He said I needed to be more of an asshole and stop doing things like letting my team go home at 10:30 pm!! I smiled, always adhering to my #1 commandment, and thanked him for his candor. I then called the superiors back in our home office and told them I was not interested in working with this individual anymore and that I would be working to leave the project or leave the firm, whichever was necessary.
I chose to be the nice guy. Even if it meant I would not be a part of this “marquee” team, I refused to be an asshole for sport. And I’m blessed to be able to say today that I am better for it. Better health. Better financially. Greater opportunities opened up for me. And the people with whom I have worked before would typically work with me again. Something I could certainly not say for this particular “leader”.
III. Be Bold
Change doesn’t happen overnight, and it takes a lot of voices for anything to get done. Whatever you have strong feelings about, use your voice to speak up to enact change. You have to make your thoughts heard if you want to help make a difference. This could be through actually speaking, posting on social media, blogging, or helping behind the scenes in activist groups. Part of courage is helping to lift others up. You shouldn’t be bold just for yourself. You want to help make a difference for others.
Roy T. Bennett says it well, in his bookThe Light in the Heart: “Be brave to stand for what you believe in even if you stand alone.” So true! It is easy to be safe and so hard to take chances. Especially if you fall in any bucket where you lack safety in numbers.
This is likely my hardest commandment. This is risky. This is taking a chance where the safe path would be so much easier.
IV. Be Transparent
Be honest and clear about who you are. You, as an individual, are important. You need to let the world see you for who you truly are. I keep a photo of myself with my husband and my dog on a wall that is featured in all my zoom videos. It’s important to me that everyone understands who I am and what is important to me. In order to be transparent, you must first be self-aware. There is a quote by Prasad Mahes that encapsulates this, “The mind is like water. When it is turbulent, it is difficult to see. When it is calm, everything becomes clear.” You have to know who you are and embrace it to move forward in the world.
V. Be Authentic
It can be tempting to pretend to be something you are not to move ahead in the world. Don’t do this. It isn’t helping you or anyone else. You need to be true to who you are. Being inauthentic is going to cause you a lot of stress and pain in the long run. And it is frankly EXTREMELY TIRING to be fake. Sometimes I want to shake certain people and say “snap out of it” just to get them to take off the façade they have built up so strongly around their authentic selves. So I refuse to pretend to be someone else, even if it means I may not get certain opportunities as quickly.
VI. Be Curious
As a human being, you are designed to be learning all the time. The end of formal schooling does not mean you should stop seeking knowledge. Make it a point to continue to learn new things all the time. This could be a simple as getting a daily calendar with a new fact each day. Or, you could seek additional formal education to seek out something new. Some examples of things you could study are a new culture, a new religion, a new recipe, or something related to your job.
Always ask questions and seek new information. It will make you a better person. I blogged a while ago about Hiring for Character and Values. And one of the main targets was the intellectually curious!
VII. Be Honest
Lying is another behavior that can be tempting if it will help move things in a certain direction. However, it’s not worth it. Lying is never going to end up working out for you in the end. Someone is bound to find out it isn’t the truth, and that is going to cause a lot of trouble for you. Also, if you have to lie to get something done, it isn’t something you should be doing anyway. The mental stress lying will cause you, plus the fact it isn’t very ethical, is why you should avoid it at all costs. General rule of thumb: consider how you would feel if it appears on the cover of Wall Street Journal.
VIII. Be Straightforward
There is a well-known phrase that deals with being straightforward. You may hear someone reference the knife someone put in their back. This often means that someone thought another person was being honest with them but went behind their back and did something they didn’t approve of. You want to avoid this. If you have something to say to someone, just say it. Don’t talk behind their back on side channels or in backroom chatter. It’s rude, and it isn’t going to solve anything. It also doesn’t make you look good as people are probably judging you for talking that way about someone behind their back.
IX. Be Purposeful
Some people surround themselves with many people and call them all their friends. For some people, this works. However, I prefer to have a few select friends that I develop a deep friendship with, rather than a bunch of people I don’t actually have a connection with. I have changed my mindset from wanting to be surrounded by people to embracing time with a few close friends. In work, I try to seek out opportunities where my work can also drive positive change.
X. Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff
You are bound to make some mistakes. It is part of being human. However, you have to learn to recognize when a mistake is something that needs to be focused on and fixed versus when a mistake is something you need to just let go and move on. For example, failing one math test in school is not going to ruin your life. Learn from it and study harder next time. Stewing on the failure is going to make it harder to do well the next time. However, if you mess up something at work that is going to impact many people, you should work on fixing it and how to avoid making the mistake the next time. Just remember that the small mistakes aren’t going to matter at the end of your life. Don’t let the stress ruin your life.
YOU WILL BE DISAPPOINTED. You will know you deserve that promotion more than the other individual. You will listen to their words that tell you they value you yet not see any evidence. Someone you love will hurt you with their mistake or their transgression. You will see people with more money, more this, more that. Life isn’t always fair. But thank God for life and the opportunity to live another day regardless. Be grateful for the opportunity to walk around your neighborhood and find wonder in those little miracles you would otherwise ignore. Look at the ants at work. Smell the roses. Note the gentle swaying of the trees at the faintest breeze. Watch the birds chirp it up while the squirrels start to stock up for the winter season.
Remember that you work so that you may live. You don’t live to work. So Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff!
Commandments are guidelines, ideals
The first part of living a successful life is knowing what you want to get out of it. It is up to you to decide what ideals you want to live your life by. Take my ten commandments as a guide and create your own list of commandments you want to guide your life. Perhaps your list will be similar to mine, or maybe you will have a completely different list. Do what works for you. I would love to hear from you.
Be well. Lead on.
Adam
Covid is still an issue. Please stay safe, get vaccinated, and wear a mask around lots of unknown people.
Adam L. Stanley
Connections Blog Technology. Leadership. Food. Life.
This might be an annoying blog for those of you out there, none of my friends of course, that are promoting “Straight Pride” during LGBTQ Pride Month here in the United States. More to come on that. For now, just one thing that is currently on my pet peeve list.
“It’s just hard to think about them together.”
Close your eyes. Try to remember the last conversation you had with a co-worker or a distant friend about their life. They probably talked about their family and if they are married they may even have discussed their spouse. Think about the details of the conversation and what you were thinking during the conversation. Pause. At any time during the conversation were you visualizing your friend and his or her spouse having sex?
My guess is that the vast, vast, vast, vast, vast majority of you said no to that question. And that is of course no surprise because you talk about people’s families and their vacations and all kinds of other details on a regular basis at work without thinking about the particulars of what they do in their bedroom. It is therefore surprising to me how often I hear the comment around it being difficult to have conversations with gay people about their families because it’s hard to picture two men together or two women together. What exactly are you trying to picture?
This month is Pride Month. Someone you know is gay. Someone you know is a lesbian. Someone you know might be questioning. And all of them are unique individuals with different dreams, different backgrounds, different perspectives. Just like you are different. Let’s make this a month to learn about each other.
Happy Pride!
Be well. Lead on.
Adam
Adam L. Stanley
Adam L. Stanley Connections Blog Technology. Leadership. Food. Life.
It is so important to have a balanced group of friends from whom to draw wisdom, knowledge, and perspective. I am blessed to have this in abundance, but I also admit that I take it for granted from time to time. It’s easy to get comfortable with people who think like you, but growth happens when you engage with those who challenge your assumptions.
I encourage everyone reading this to consider who in your circle of trust has a perspective different from yours. Reach out to them and ask them to share their story. Ask questions that go beyond the surface, especially about topics that might seem difficult or unfamiliar. This isn’t about agreeing with everything but about expanding your understanding.
That’s how understanding grows. That’s how hatred is thwarted. And that’s how change begins—by taking the time to listen, learn, and empathize with someone else’s experience. Small conversations lead to larger shifts, and those shifts can ripple outward, creating real change in how we see the world and each other.