Are you listening or waiting to voice your own opinions? A recent exchange with someone I respect for many reasons, but struggle to understand for many others, reminded me of how important this topic is today. If we expect to communicate effectively we need to listen for comprehension before we can reply constructively.
There’s so much anger, hatred, and misunderstanding in our world. The problem has been exacerbated by social media and related tools that make it very easy to communicate sound bites but difficult to communicate emotions. With technology getting in the way it’s easy to forget that behind the words are individuals with valid thoughts and feelings.
So the question I have is what can we do about it? I started looking at different communication streams such as WhatsApp and Twitter among others. I noticed that instead of using long form posts there are more people using the ability to string along multiple short messages to more comprehensively express an opinion.
This method of communicating in short bits is susceptible to a specific type of issue. Most of the responses seemed to be immediate responses to individual parts of the thread. As a result, instead of responding to the overall comprehensive thought, individuals are responding to one point which by itself might not adequately capture the idea.
Poor Listening is Bad for Business
The fact is, this is not a new phenomenon. It exists in many corporate offices today. It goes like this …
Me: I was thinking perhaps we should rethink the way our team works ….
Them (interrupting): I totally agree. We tend to only talk to those we think hold power.
Me: Actually, I was more specifically focused on the tools and processes we use for collaboration …..
Them (interrupting again): Yes, totally on point. Because the most important person in the room always takes up too much time during meetings.
Me: That might be true, but I really want to focus on the way we get work done, which as you know is 90% of our time whereas the meetings you are referencing are only 10% ….
Perhaps you have experienced this?
The challenge is that by the time you have finished your first sentence, everyone in the conversation has immediately jumped to a conclusion and their biases have surfaced. Once their opinions have come to the forefront of their mind, it becomes very difficult to shove them back. Therefore you find that regardless of what you say they will get their point out even if it actually has nothing to do with what you intended to cover.
Five Tips to Better Listening and Improved Communication
1. Prepare for the Meeting
Pre-read any materials sent out before a meeting noting important points and referencing things you didn’t know before. This will enable you to more constructively provide feedback both positive and negative. Having an overview of the key points will reduce the risk of you first seeing something that may cause a visceral reaction during the meeting.
Even if you read something with which you vehemently disagree, the additional time to consider and react will reduce the likelihood of a blow up during the meeting. It also gives you the chance to reach out and discuss the point in a one on one manner with the individual if necessary. As an added benefit this allows you time to do your own research and provide supporting information for your point of view.
2. Practice Active Listening
Active Listening is a requirement for both verbal and written communication. Effective listening requires an open mind, paying attention, appropriate feedback, and empathy. Without these skills disagreements and miscommunication are bound to ensue.
A family member of mine has what I call “rapid response syndrome”. He sees the first line of a message, assumes what the rest of the message will be, and begins to reply immediately. The disagreement starts before the first thought is even completed.
When looking at a text message whether it is on teams, LinkedIn, WhatsApp, or I message you should be able to see when an individual is still typing. I use this as a great indicator as to whether they have finished their thought and are ready for my response. Once they are finished typing, I read the entire stream, wait a few moments, consider both the words they wrote, the intention and context, then consider how I want to reply.
3. Breathe
Practice breathing. It can be very very uncomfortable, but consider the concept of buffering. Local television stations doing live shows actually broadcast with just enough latency that they can bleep out the errant profanity or crude gesture. It’s not minutes but seconds.
In a conversation, seconds can make a huge difference. Try to let your colleague finish his or her sentence fully, pause and breathe for 3-5 seconds. As you’re reading, it sounds like nothing, right? Try it. To many it will feel like FOREVER. Over time, it will be much more natural. If helpful, simply say “Well” or “Thanks” to cover some of that “long” gap.
4. Don’t Interrupt
Think about how you feel when you are interrupted at work or at home. It doesn’t feel good does it? When we interrupt someone it changes the dynamics of the conversation. They may feel that they are not being respected and that their point isn’t being heard resulting in anger, rudeness, or resentment.
A second but at least equally important problem with interrupting is that we don’t actually get to hear what the other person was going to say. Instead of listening we made an assumption and imposed our ideas over theirs. Additionally we likely derailed their train of thought in which case we may never get to hear where they wanted the conversation to go.
5. Be Empathetic
Always consider context and never forget the person with whom you are speaking is a person. They have feelings and a right to be heard. Try to visualize what you are hearing, put yourself in their position, and listen with empathy.
Effective communication is just as much about listening as it is about sharing our own thoughts and ideas. Consider your own communication prowess. Are you listening or thinking about what you want to say next?
Be well. Lead on.
Adam
Covid is still an issue. Please stay safe and wear a mask.
Adam L. Stanley
Connections Blog Technology. Leadership. Food. Life.
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Could it be that your Mr or Mrs Right is standing in front of you at Starbucks or Protein Bar?
Can you live without it for a week? Day? 5 minutes?
Put down your smartphones people. Let me repeat. Put down your smartphone. Well, after you read this blog of course.
Every morning, I stand in line at Starbucks waiting for my daily grande black eye and roasted ham and swiss sandwich. Yes, a creature of habit, I get the same thing every day, 510 calories of buttery goodness. But I digress. As I stand in line, I look at the diversity of people standing around me. I see tall and short. I see black, white, Latino, and Asian. I see thick and thin. I see business women, artists, bicycle messengers, and lawyers (lots of lawyers, actually). I see gay and straight, tall and short. Lots of people I find attractive, and some you might find attractive even if I do not. And, more often than not, NONE OF THESE PEOPLE ARE ACTUALLY TALKING TO EACH OTHER. No actual engaging in human interaction with other beings. What are they doing? They are on their smartphones.
Texting. Facebooking. Snapchatting. Emailing. Tweeting. Blogging. Calendaring. Working. Planning. Doing just about everything except actually communicating with people nearby.
And all I can think is, what a missed opportunity? Growing up, I remember my mom taking me to the grocery store with her. While waiting in line to checkout, inevitably, she would end up in conversation with the person behind her. My dad would share his opinions with just about everyone he ran into in a local hardware store or at the police station after work. I grew up communicating with people and the love of communicating, coupled with my fascination with people watching, has been with me for decades. Enter smartphones.
And now, yes, I find myself standing in line searching for the latest blog by Switch and Shift, seeing what my colleagues are chatting about on Yammer, religiously following back on Twitter, and fighting the never ending battle to clean out my email inbox (Sad reality: It will never happen. Just accept it.) So, lest I be called a hypocrite, I will admit what I am asking you to do is difficult. INCREDIBLY difficult. Â But let’s try it together.
Let’s put down our cell phones.
1) Set a target for how long you will leave it in a drawer or the car.
Only you can decide what is a stretch but realistic target in terms of period of time. Could be a a week? A day? How about an hour during the business day? 5 minutes?
2) Go somewhere you go fairly regularly, and strike up a conversation with someone around you
During your no cell phone (day/week/hour/minute) make a visit to a grocery store, coffee shop, food spot, office break room, or anywhere you typically find yourself on a fairly regular basis. Do what you normally do EXCEPT use your phone (to completely avoid temptation, pay with … gasp … CASH rather than using your smartphone payment app). If you, like me, get energy from others and are more extroverted, strike up a conversation. If you are more of a people watcher, just observe the traits, attitudes, outfits, hair, whatever! If you are bold, flirt with the amazing person you now realize comes to the same place at the same time every day.
3) Encourage someone else to do the same thing.
You will meet someone cool, notice a new hair style or fashion, or maybe even simply realize for the first time how good your coffee tastes when you drink it piping hot and only focus on the experience. Share that with someone, share it with me or others on this blog. Spread the word.
With so many dating sites around, perhaps some of you are spending this time on these sites, editing your profile and replying to messages? There are sites for Christians, Jews, farmers, baby boomers, gay men and lesbian women, millionaires, and more. And I have many many many friends that are long-term or recently single. As I look around at the heads bowed down, eyes focused on phones and tablets, I can’t help but wonder if perhaps we are missing something fairly basic.
Could it be that your Mr or Mrs Right is standing in front of you at Starbucks or Protein Bar? Look up. Now!
Be Well. Lead On. Adam
One final note >>>
Pedestrians: Put down your cell phones. Unless you live in a city that has one of these special cellphone lanes. Yeah, I think its pretty sad too!
Every day is a new beginning. All of life provides opportunities for new beginnings. Whatever has gone wrong, or right, in your life, you can begin again.
Jonathan L. Huie
New beginnings can be nerve wrecking. You spend years building a team, finding the people you can trust to get things done and do so in a values based manner. You drive strategy and create value for shareholders. And you check off so many boxes, proudly getting to a point where you can finally rest and look at the great things you and the team created …. and then you move on to the next challenge.
YIKES!! So much for resting.
“Success is simple. Do what’s right, the right way, at the right time” Arnold H. Glasgow
If I’m honest with myself, I will admit that I will likely never get to truly resting until retirement (target TBD). The fact is, I love gnarly, complex, global challenges and am thankful I have found that in my new role.
Leaders at All Levels
I am incredibly excited about this new adventure and will enjoy getting to meet the new teams around the world. One concept I have constantly addressed that I expect will be highly relevant here is the fact that everyone in today’s technology organizations must be leaders. From time to time, everyone will be called on to make decisions, act independently, and respond to crises without time to go up the chain for days.
You can’t always wait for the guys at the top. Every manager at every level in the organization has an opportunity, big or small, to do something. Every manager’s got some sphere of autonomy. Don’t pass the buck up the line.
Bob Anderson
I LOVE Chicago, the place I have called home for so many years. And I love having the opportunity to give back to the community in which I love. Living in London over the past two years was an amazing adventure, the opportunity to more deeply explore another great city, and to work with colleagues in other European cities. While my prior role required that I moved to London for a while, I am confident that the relationships I built in Chicago will continue to grow. And, of course, I hope to see many of my friends from London throughout the year. Visit!!
As Marilyn Monroe said, “A career is wonderful, but you can’t curl up with it on a cold night.” So I expect my friends to trek on over to see me from time to time, share a lager or a cup of coffee, and warm my heart with their presence!
Let’s Go
Two great quotes come to mind as I contemplate the week ahead and my new adventure:
“If your work is becoming uninteresting, so are you. Work is an inanimate thing and can be made lively and interesting only by injecting yourself into it. Your job is only as big as you are.” George C. Hubbs
“You can’t build a reputation on what you’re going to do.” Henry Ford
I’ve enjoyed my time to reflect on the good and bad aspects of my prior leadership role, and the opportunity to give back via non-profit and civic consulting. But it’s time to go back to corporate, tackle this new and exciting challenge, and meet a new batch of great people with whom I hope to build something great.
I met someone this afternoon with whom I truly felt an immediate connection. It was scheduled to be a “career conversation” but instead was an open introduction, over tea, and very casual. The conversation reminded me of a question someone asked me recently: “How can I get better at networking like you?” Those who truly know me realize just how much this question disturbs me. But to many, this would be considered flattery. I do not consider it so at all.
The fact is, I am not a networker. In fact, I detest networking.
Networking is to me a very clinical term, and reminds me of the technology of networking. I know that like various applications in a bank, I am connected to various people. Some linkages were planned and chosen carefully, others stepped in to a role that was by default in my network. Within a network, we depend on each other to work and do our part, and if one portion of the network is significantly damaged, the rest of the network is damaged. I know that to some extent, my success depends on others in the network being able to carry something from me and me in exchange carrying something back. Networking is a fact of corporate (and community) life. However …
I am not a circuit or a router. I am a human being.
When I am in my final minutes of life, perhaps I will think to myself, “If only I had made that one additional link that would have opened up my network to another dimension!” Of course not! I like people. (Of all types! Really! Click here for a blog I wrote on the topic, noting that yes, I even love jerks and *€$holes. I just don’t necessarily want to work with them.) In any corporate network, there must be someone that is necessary but not wanted. God, I never want to be that person.
I prefer to make life connections.
Life connections are not always about business. Some examples:
– Getting to know all of the bartenders at the Artesian Bar at the Langham Hotel in London. Learning how each came from their home countries of Italy, Russia, and elsewhere, to London and why they are so passionate about cocktails. Enjoying a laugh or two whilst enjoying a cocktail or three. Side bonus: I have been introduced to a popular chef/mixologist in my hometown of Chicago for when I return. Plus, the Artesian has become a great place I can bring clients, colleagues, and other connections.
– Building a relationship of trust with my vendor partners and colleagues whereby they share personal details of their lives with me and allow me into their world. Sharing a good meal and a great bottle of wine with no talk of contracts or issues. Side bonus: we find connections we did not know existed and ways in which we can help each other out in so many more ways that traditional sourcing relationships. And, as we move to different roles in different organizations, we can call on each other for advice and support.
– Introducing two people, not because I think they can help each other, but because I just think they are both just really really cool people. Watching them get to know each other and become friends. Side bonus: people have done the same to me, bringing some of the most wonderful people I currently know into my life.
– Having a cocktail party at my house with a mixture of people I have met through work, the neighborhood coffee shop, and other connection points. Looking around and seeing there are people from five different countries with incomes and careers as diverse as chalk and cheese. Witnessing how they all learn from each other: new recipes, fashion styles, tax policy changes, technologies, dating schemes, relationship tips…. Side bonus: Learning myself about all of the above!
Many people will classify the above as examples of networking, and perhaps they are. And, to be clear, I’m not necessarily against networking entirely. I just think it is critical people start with the right perspective. And be honest! If you really just want to meet me for what I can do for you, or who I can introduce, just come out and say it. At least you will save some time! But, I encourage you to take some time to get to know yourself better, enjoy meeting people just because, and see the amazing things that will come out of your connections forged by respect, trust, and integrity. It is amazing how much more one can get from a relationship when he leads from the heart and the mind.
Enough! Off the soapbox, here is some reading …
For those of you who REALLY want to get good at Networking, especially the shy ones, here is a decent CIO magazine article on the topic.
For those of you who like me want to learn how to be a better person and know that success that comes from good just feels better inside, there are a couple of good links for you. Yes, they are a bit kooky. And there will be some who succeed despite being downright bad people (I can name a few.) But, I choose to succeed, or fail, with my values intact. Here are a few links for you: 24 ways to be a better person How to be a good person in 5 steps
And for those few out there (certainly not a regular reader of my rants) that are downright sinister and yet deep down feel they want to be good, there is even some help for you. I found this one both intriguing and humorous.
Thanks for reading another soapbox rant. I would love to hear what you think about networking and making life connections.
How many of you have been in a conversation about forming a committee to work on ways to identify and develop strong talent? Have you been a part of such committees? I have had so many invites and questions about these activities over my career, it kind of becomes a bit annoying. It’s clearly not because I do not find the goal relevant. In fact, I think talent should be on the agenda and objectives of every leader at every level, every day, and in every organisation. That is the only way to be successful. Committees organized formally to focus on talent, regardless of intent, simply do not work without concerted action and interest from leaders with a true desire to manage and grow talent. And, worse, the experience for those on such committees can be downright disheartening if they feel they are part of an academic exercise that in the end does not matter. Talent matters!
I want each of my leaders to feel excited thinking about what they are doing for their teams. What opportunities are we finding for them to stretch and be rewarded? To train them and coach them. To sell them for career enhancing roles with peers and other teams (or even other firms) even if it means losing a critical resource in our world. Talent matters!
I view every top performer in my team as a future CIO, CTO, or executive. I LOVE being able to share stories of individuals who worked with me at some point and rose through the ranks to take on major leadership roles around the world. Love it! And I firmly believe that the only reason I have been successful (or recovered quickly from failures) is because I try desperately to hire strong, develop well, and appreciate greatly. Talent matters!!
Anyone that knows me recognises that I tend to hate governance and I disdain committees. I frown on talking and planning talent development “initiatives” unless I see the signs of true interest and passion. Because a committee or initiative without passion is …. sadly, like many many many leadership teams in the corporate world … just bureaucracy.
Just my soapbox for the week. Thanks for listening. And, one more time, as I hope you’ll agree … Talent Matters!!
