In 2015, I drafted my personal ten commandments and shared them through this blog. It’s been several years, a global pandemic, a marriage, a relocation, multiple bosses, and now approaching another decade in the next couple of years. Yikes. So, I thought it was time to brush off the commandments.
Your life will change. Your job will change. Your circle of friends will evolve. But your core values and principles should be consistent. And while you may compromise on compensation, title, which restaurant to dine at or movie to see, there should be certain things about which you refuse to compromise. Your values should drive how you respond to change, success, and to trials. Here are my personal 10 Commandments.
I. Be Mindful
Every day. This is first because in many ways it is the toughest. This is continuing to smile as you are given very disappointing news. This is being respectful when you want to scream profanities. This is rising above and, as Michelle Obama famously said, when they go low, you go high. And, as my Dad says, unless God calls first, there will be a tomorrow.
I try to make choices that I believe benefit the world and make it a better place. The world is especially challenging right now, making this more difficult than normal, but I still do my best to make good choices. I remember that though I may disagree with others’ acts and opinions, God still calls on me to love them as I love myself.
II. Be Kind
There is never any reason to be an asshole. Being unkind is not going to convince people to be nice to you. In fact, being a jerk is most likely going to cause people to dislike you and do as little for you as they can. You’ll commonly hear that cheaters never win, and the same goes for mean people. My mom taught me this more than most. After weeks of hearing me crying about bullies in middle school, she called me to the back porch and gave me a tough lesson for which I am eternally grateful. In the end, she taught me, the nice people are going to win with their dignity in tact. Think about your life in high school. The bullies are usually the ones who end up working under the people who were kind. They peak in that one moment you feel you are at your lowest, but you continue to rise. You continue to shine. Be kind, always.
I have often told the story of a senior leader at a prior job that called me into a meeting with him and proceeded to tell me something that ultimately changed my career. He said that the clients loved my work and I could be an integral part of his team but that I was too nice. He said I needed to be more of an asshole and stop doing things like letting my team go home at 10:30 pm!! I smiled, always adhering to my #1 commandment, and thanked him for his candor. I then called the superiors back in our home office and told them I was not interested in working with this individual anymore and that I would be working to leave the project or leave the firm, whichever was necessary.
I chose to be the nice guy. Even if it meant I would not be a part of this “marquee” team, I refused to be an asshole for sport. And I’m blessed to be able to say today that I am better for it. Better health. Better financially. Greater opportunities opened up for me. And the people with whom I have worked before would typically work with me again. Something I could certainly not say for this particular “leader”.
III. Be Bold
Change doesn’t happen overnight, and it takes a lot of voices for anything to get done. Whatever you have strong feelings about, use your voice to speak up to enact change. You have to make your thoughts heard if you want to help make a difference. This could be through actually speaking, posting on social media, blogging, or helping behind the scenes in activist groups. Part of courage is helping to lift others up. You shouldn’t be bold just for yourself. You want to help make a difference for others.
Roy T. Bennett says it well, in his bookThe Light in the Heart: “Be brave to stand for what you believe in even if you stand alone.” So true! It is easy to be safe and so hard to take chances. Especially if you fall in any bucket where you lack safety in numbers.
This is likely my hardest commandment. This is risky. This is taking a chance where the safe path would be so much easier.
IV. Be Transparent
Be honest and clear about who you are. You, as an individual, are important. You need to let the world see you for who you truly are. I keep a photo of myself with my husband and my dog on a wall that is featured in all my zoom videos. It’s important to me that everyone understands who I am and what is important to me. In order to be transparent, you must first be self-aware. There is a quote by Prasad Mahes that encapsulates this, “The mind is like water. When it is turbulent, it is difficult to see. When it is calm, everything becomes clear.” You have to know who you are and embrace it to move forward in the world.
V. Be Authentic
It can be tempting to pretend to be something you are not to move ahead in the world. Don’t do this. It isn’t helping you or anyone else. You need to be true to who you are. Being inauthentic is going to cause you a lot of stress and pain in the long run. And it is frankly EXTREMELY TIRING to be fake. Sometimes I want to shake certain people and say “snap out of it” just to get them to take off the façade they have built up so strongly around their authentic selves. So I refuse to pretend to be someone else, even if it means I may not get certain opportunities as quickly.
VI. Be Curious
As a human being, you are designed to be learning all the time. The end of formal schooling does not mean you should stop seeking knowledge. Make it a point to continue to learn new things all the time. This could be a simple as getting a daily calendar with a new fact each day. Or, you could seek additional formal education to seek out something new. Some examples of things you could study are a new culture, a new religion, a new recipe, or something related to your job.
Always ask questions and seek new information. It will make you a better person. I blogged a while ago about Hiring for Character and Values. And one of the main targets was the intellectually curious!
VII. Be Honest
Lying is another behavior that can be tempting if it will help move things in a certain direction. However, it’s not worth it. Lying is never going to end up working out for you in the end. Someone is bound to find out it isn’t the truth, and that is going to cause a lot of trouble for you. Also, if you have to lie to get something done, it isn’t something you should be doing anyway. The mental stress lying will cause you, plus the fact it isn’t very ethical, is why you should avoid it at all costs. General rule of thumb: consider how you would feel if it appears on the cover of Wall Street Journal.
VIII. Be Straightforward
There is a well-known phrase that deals with being straightforward. You may hear someone reference the knife someone put in their back. This often means that someone thought another person was being honest with them but went behind their back and did something they didn’t approve of. You want to avoid this. If you have something to say to someone, just say it. Don’t talk behind their back on side channels or in backroom chatter. It’s rude, and it isn’t going to solve anything. It also doesn’t make you look good as people are probably judging you for talking that way about someone behind their back.
IX. Be Purposeful
Some people surround themselves with many people and call them all their friends. For some people, this works. However, I prefer to have a few select friends that I develop a deep friendship with, rather than a bunch of people I don’t actually have a connection with. I have changed my mindset from wanting to be surrounded by people to embracing time with a few close friends. In work, I try to seek out opportunities where my work can also drive positive change.
X. Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff
You are bound to make some mistakes. It is part of being human. However, you have to learn to recognize when a mistake is something that needs to be focused on and fixed versus when a mistake is something you need to just let go and move on. For example, failing one math test in school is not going to ruin your life. Learn from it and study harder next time. Stewing on the failure is going to make it harder to do well the next time. However, if you mess up something at work that is going to impact many people, you should work on fixing it and how to avoid making the mistake the next time. Just remember that the small mistakes aren’t going to matter at the end of your life. Don’t let the stress ruin your life.
YOU WILL BE DISAPPOINTED. You will know you deserve that promotion more than the other individual. You will listen to their words that tell you they value you yet not see any evidence. Someone you love will hurt you with their mistake or their transgression. You will see people with more money, more this, more that. Life isn’t always fair. But thank God for life and the opportunity to live another day regardless. Be grateful for the opportunity to walk around your neighborhood and find wonder in those little miracles you would otherwise ignore. Look at the ants at work. Smell the roses. Note the gentle swaying of the trees at the faintest breeze. Watch the birds chirp it up while the squirrels start to stock up for the winter season.
Remember that you work so that you may live. You don’t live to work. So Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff!
Commandments are guidelines, ideals
The first part of living a successful life is knowing what you want to get out of it. It is up to you to decide what ideals you want to live your life by. Take my ten commandments as a guide and create your own list of commandments you want to guide your life. Perhaps your list will be similar to mine, or maybe you will have a completely different list. Do what works for you. I would love to hear from you.
Be well. Lead on.
Adam
Covid is still an issue. Please stay safe, get vaccinated, and wear a mask around lots of unknown people.
Adam L. Stanley
Connections Blog Technology. Leadership. Food. Life.
Giving feedback is critical to development. Especially now.
In recent years much has been said about diversity and inclusion. Studies continue to show that more diverse companies are both more profitable and faster growing. We are finally starting to have open and honest conversations about what can be done to improve racial and gender equity within the corporate environment.
I started thinking about this a lot recently as I overheard a conversation about a particular person’s performance. The comments, though not aggressively so, were negative. It was clear that the manager did not feel this employee was performing at an acceptable level.
I asked the manager if he had told the employee about these issues and if it was clear to the employee what she needed to do to improve to an acceptable level of productivity. Based upon the response that I got, it became quite clear there had not been the level of conversation that was warranted. The manager was not regularly meeting with the employee nor had he ever sat down to explicitly talk through the performance challenges and lay out an agreed upon improvement plan.
My suspicion is that this happens a lot and the end result is that individuals are not coached and instead end up being terminated. (Let me be very clear here: I am not a researcher nor have I done a study. This is a blog of reasonable OPINION.) A further suspicion is that if you are already part of a group that does not feel engaged socially or connected politically within a company your opportunity to thrive will be diminished. If on top of that you have a bad manager your chances of success are next to naught.
Could cultural differences lead to missed opportunities to learn from each other? When you really break it all down the question becomes is diversity and inclusion as much of a talent management and leadership issue as it is about racial bias and historical prejudices? Do we lose people of color in corporate America due to bad management more so than outright bad behaviors? What factors are contributing to these issues?
1. Everyone is walking on eggshells
I’ve heard from some that they are afraid of giving honest feedback to women or people of color because they do not want to appear sexist or racist. The argument is that the world has become so politically correct that providing feedback is a risk. These individuals often feel more comfortable discussing their colleagues in a forum where random and unrelated people can hear.
Instead of the individual getting the constructive feedback that can help them improve, they are simply getting the negative about their performance from coffee room conversations. This can lead to feelings of isolation. Sharing negative feedback with their peers instead of them directly has a negative impact on the reputation of that person.
2. Secondhand feedback is never as valuable.
Another phenomenon I have witnessed is that feedback is deliberately delivered through alternative channels. In this scenario, individuals who do not feel comfortable directly providing feedback to someone will instead have another leader deliver the feedback. They may not explicitly ask for this delivery but in telling a particular person that they know has a relationship with the employee, they know that the feedback will get back to that individual.
In many cases, they’re showing their subconscious bias by sharing directly with white men while avoiding women or people of color. This ensures that the problem will continue because neither party is learning how to deal with the other directly. The individuals being put in the middle serve as a barrier between the manager and employee.
Feedback is never nearly as effective when watered down through a chain. The addition of an intermediary increases the likelihood that the message will not be delivered as intended and adds the perception that the received message is flawed. Furthermore, any reaction by the employee to the feedback through this back channel will be deemed a reaction to the feedback when it may be a reaction to the channel.
3. Bad management has a greater impact on those “not in the room”
All employees need to have the right amount of engagement and interaction with their leaders to be successful in a job. Direct feedback, regular conversations around performance and objectives, as well as verbal and written praise when appropriate are all things that are important to the development of a professional. Not spending time on coaching and development sessions leads to an inability to fully understand the capabilities of your employee.
Most companies spend a lot of time recruiting but much less time onboarding, training, developing, and engaging. For employees that do not have another network within the company this can be much more detrimental. At the same time, employees who have broader networks within the company have vastly larger opportunities for exposure.
I spoke with a woman leader years ago who told me that on average she had 10 minutes per month of direct one on one time with her manager. She never had conversations about her career aspirations. Her manager knew of the skills that she had relative to her current role but had no clue of all of the other things she had done in the past that might be applied to different opportunities. He did not really know her.
This particular woman was never in the same locker room at the gym as her boss. She did not tend to hang out at the same bar over the weekend. She wasn’t often invited to lunch with the guys. So all of those other opportunities her male colleagues had to expose their personalities, their strengths, their experiences were not available to her.
Her manager might have been just as bad of a manager to all of his employees. However the impact on this person was multiplied due to the fact that as a woman of color her social networks within the firm were limited. Therefore, when a new opportunity came up this employee had very little chance of getting that opportunity because she had less likelihood of even knowing about it.
Strategies for Building an Inclusive Environment
The most effective managers ensure that every individual on their team is being included in the conversation. It is through inclusion that we can tap into the benefits of a diverse working environment. Here are a few tips for being a better manager and building a more inclusive environment.
1. Build and manage around the full employee lifecycle. From hire to retire, everyone is on a tour of duty and should have clear expectations, regular connections and engagement, and a respectful exit when that time comes
2. Provide feedback as much as possible directly to the individual. If uncomfortable doing so face to face, practice. And potentially use other mechanisms like written feedback.
3. Try not to share feedback on one of your employees with a peer or superior before you have shared it with the employee. That’s not fair to the employee and does not show strength. In the end, you are making both you and your employee look bad
4. Look around the room more. At lunch, in meetings, and around the coffee maker. See if there are individuals from your team that are never there. Find them, engage with them, and loop them in.
5. Expand your network and your skills base. If you are uncomfortable handling issues with a particular race, ethnicity, gender, or sexual orientation, that is not their fault. It is YOUR issue to solve. Read up, talk to people, ask HR for help.
Building an inclusive and respectful environment is up to everyone, not just the “diverse”. As leaders we need to treat everyone fairly and ethically not only to develop the potential of each employee, but also to serve as an example to everyone with whom we come in contact.
Ultimately, being a better leader and creating a more consciously inclusive environment is good for your people and good for the company.
For many people 2020 was one of the worst years of their lives. More than 1.5 million died of a disease that few took seriously in the first few weeks. Millions of people lost their jobs and many more no longer have their savings to count on.
The year was awful for me as well. My mom had to go through chemo treatment for Stage 3 colon cancer, dealing with that awful disease during covid lockdowns, which prevented us from fully supporting her during treatment. My partner’s restaurant was shuttered for several months, causing him and most of his team to be out of work. My office was closed to most employees so I had to work from home for 75% of the year!
Dozens of friends and family members found themselves positive with the virus. For most of the year I was unable to see my family or my closest friends due to our effort to contain the outbreak. I couldn’t go to restaurants, theatres, or music venues. I drank more wine, beer, and hard alcohol this year than the prior three years. Being stuck indoors and all that overindulging caused me to gain 10 lbs.
“In all respects, it was a crappy year.” -Almost Everyone
And yet…
I still have those family and friends in my life to love from a distance and hopefully soon visit in person. Mom is doing well and cancer free. That is a blessing. I have been lucky while many mourn their loved ones.
I was able to buy that wine and alcohol. I had enough food on my plate to gain 10 pounds. Those are blessings. Many people are struggling to make ends meet. It is estimated that globally as many as 115 million people may be pushed into extreme poverty in 2020 alone.
I remained employed and had a great opportunity to demonstrate the value in the work I did prior to COVID-19. Our colleagues around the world were able to successfully work from home and interact with clients through innovative new tools and cloud enabled mobile solutions. I did not miss a pay period during the year. This is a blessing considering that this year in the United States we have reached unprecedented unemployment rates. In April unemployment peaked at 14.7% which had never been seen since data collection began in 1948.
I moved to Austin, taking advantage of remote work opportunities to explore a different city and found out how much I loved it. Many people have chosen or been forced to move during the pandemic. Some are fleeing large cities out of fear that they may contract the virus or due to social unrest caused by a very toxic political environment. Others are relocating either for work or due to job loss.
I found that I was able to attend church online more than I did in person, with no distractions and the added ability to take copious notes. In a world where social distancing has become a necessity, churches have struggled to keep their doors open. Only one third of people who attend religious services at least monthly say they have done so in person and most churchgoers have opted to attend virtually.
It’s undeniable that 2020 brought a fair deal of trials and tribulations. But for most of us, certainly Gen X and older, 2020 is by far NOT the first difficult year we have encountered. Somehow we have managed to make it through those hard times in the past. And we likely found it is the difficulties that allow us to emerge stronger. And even the darkest times often have some bright spots.
That other worst year ever
When I think of 2001, I most remember the tragedy of September 11th and the lives lost that day. I think about the hit to the economy that followed. I think about losing my grandfather in a tragic accident at the beginning of the year. In my mind I recall 2001 as one of the worst years I ever had.
But then I found the little desk clock that was engraved 10-13-2001, a memento from my cousin’s wedding. I think of how much fun I had with my cousins and my family. I remember the fact that earlier that year I took one of the best vacations of my life, seeing the pyramids in Egypt and touring ruins of Luxor.
I contemplate my personal story of September 11th and how decisions I made quite possibly saved my life and certainly saved me from being in the center of harm. I think of all of the people that helped me that day including many that I did not know personally. They were a blessing and I am grateful for them.
I think of the fact that after that event and following that year, I had a different perspective on work, life, and family. I truly believe that I became a better leader. So through the trial of 2001, came an amazing 2002 and some key decisions I made shortly thereafter resulted in my current career.
None of us want to go through bad times or struggle through “the worst year ever”, but the truth is if you live long enough, you have been, and will again be, tested. You have been through hardship and have experienced pain at some time in your life. It is just a part of being alive.
If you really think about it, there was probably another time in your life when you were feeling that you were in the midst of the worst year ever. Maybe it was a very personal and private struggle. Perhaps social media and 24 hour news were not around to make it so clear to you that things were awful for everyone. However, there were likely thousands of people going through a trial just like you did that year. Somehow you, them, and I made it through.
And that is the ultimate blessing.
What will you do with your blessing in 2021?
Be well. Lead on.
Adam
We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed.
I continue to hear a common refrain from people I do not know, some friends and colleagues, and even some within my family. The words are different from person to person, but the message is pretty much the same. “The people speaking up about police brutality and racial justice are not saying anything about violence in the cities. They want to have demonstrations at sporting events, but nothing about black on black violence.”
It seems that only the black man must choose one or the other cause to support, or one organization. We should not allow the media or society to dictate we must choose one or the other.
There are THOUSANDS of single-issue community organizations. If you follow or watch any one of them, and only one of them, you will ALWAYS conclude they seem to ignore every other issue. It’s like saying, “I hate the Christian church because they only focus on Jesus and not the other spiritually important figures of the world, like Buddha or the prophet Mohammed.” Of course CHRISTian churches focus on Jesus! The most effective organizations pick a cause and stick with that one cause.
That does not mean that an individual can only support one cause. Yes, you will notice I reference #BLM or Black Lives Matter from time to time on my social media streams. And, yes, this particular movement focuses almost exclusively on racial justice and policing reform. But that is only part of the story. Certainly only part of my story.
I support non-violent protests of police criminal negligence and racism. AND I support any and all efforts to end violence in our neighborhoods, including black on black crime. And many many many people do. There are VASTLY more organizations dedicated to ending violence in inner cities – supporting troubled youth, improving education, getting guns out of the hands of those who should not own them, and uplifting neighborhood communities – than there are dedicated to racial equality and effective policing. And the combined giving to inner city youth programs, by the athletes and celebrities people tend to reference most often, is exponentially greater than anything they do for Black Lives Matter. Find your local Boys & Girls Club and you will find an athlete or celebrity behind it. The media may only cover the closed fists in the air, the protest marches, and the #BLM social media banners, but we would be remiss if we judge them on only what is shown on TV.
Has anyone actually researched the types of organizations Colin K supports? Unlikely!!! They just notice the kneeling and the #BlackLivesMatter movement the media talks about.
Being the change you wish to see does not require you to choose only one cause!
What’s in your wallet?
Your role as a citizen of the world is to build a “portfolio” of causes that matter to you and will allow you to get the greatest return on your investment of time, talent, and treasure. That is your challenge: Can you find a way to live the life God wants you to live and spread love the way so many spread hate? Be the change YOU want to be, not simply doing what society wants you to do.
For unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall much be required; and to whom men have committed much, of him they will ask the more. Luke 12:48
Be well. Lead on.
Adam
Covid is still an issue. Please stay safe and wear a mask.
Adam L. Stanley
Connections Blog Technology. Leadership. Food. Life.
Follow me on Twitter | Connect with me on Linked In | Comment below.
Several of my white colleagues that know me well, along with some friends, have asked me for a short list (ha!) of things I feel they should know if they do not take anything else out of the conversations about race in corporate America that have begun in earnest. So I figured I would also share them here for those who have not asked. Of course, race goes so much deeper than this, but if you don’t change anything else, change these three things.
Please do not act as if you “have the answers” – you do not. We know you are in charge, but need you to listen and engage in developing a plan. If you had the answers, and are in power, why haven’t you implemented anything?
Please do not tell us that you come from a diverse background or a poor upbringing and that qualifies you to discuss the black experience. We really do respect your difference. But we do not care right now. You still have privilege in that you walk into restaurants, stores, and corporate offices you look like a white man, regardless of your background.
Please never refer to a black person as “articulate” – perhaps the greatest insult to many professional black people, this statement implies your surprise at the “relative” ability of said person to form a sentence
Be well. Lead on.
Adam
Covid is still an issue. Please stay safe and wear a mask.
Adam L. Stanley
Connections Blog Technology. Leadership. Food. Life.
Follow me on Twitter | Connect with me on Linked In | Comment below.
“What to the Slave Is the Fourth of July?” is the title now given to a speech by Frederick Douglass delivered on July 5, 1852, in Corinthian Hall, Rochester, New York, addressing the Rochester Ladies’ Anti-Slavery Society.
