Why Reflecting Negativity Backfires: Understanding the Mirror Effect in Conversations
Have you ever had one of those conversations where someone shares a negative perspective or complaint, and in an attempt to support them, you reflect their words back to show understanding—only to have them argue with you as if you originated the negativity? It’s a strange phenomenon, but it happens more often than you might think.
This kind of interaction highlights an interesting quirk in human communication and self-awareness. When someone voices frustration or negativity, they might feel momentarily validated in expressing their thoughts aloud. But when they hear the same sentiment repeated back, especially in your voice, it can feel like they’re being confronted by their own words in a way they weren’t prepared for. Suddenly, what felt true in their head or in their voice doesn’t sit well when mirrored back. It’s as though the negativity takes on a new weight, a new presence, when it’s externalized by someone else.
This is even more prevalent when the negativity they’re expressing is about someone they love. When people talk about frustrations involving close friends or family members, they may not truly mean everything they’ve said or might not want those sentiments to linger. Repeating those words back can force them to confront the dissonance between their love for that person and the temporary irritation they felt in the moment. The result? A defensive reaction, often aimed at you, the person who simply mirrored their feelings.
The Mirror Effect
When you reflect someone’s words, you’re essentially holding up a mirror. This can create an opportunity for self-awareness, but it can also trigger defensiveness. Hearing their own thoughts spoken back can make them reevaluate their perspective, and often they’ll start to rationalize or even backtrack to avoid fully owning the negativity they initially expressed. It’s almost as if they’re thinking, “Well, that sounded a lot worse than I intended!”
Once their words come from you, it’s no longer just an internal thought or their own private narrative. It becomes something external, shared, and more objective. This shift can make people feel exposed or even judged, especially if the negativity is something they’re grappling with internally. They may subconsciously disown the sentiment and redirect their discomfort toward you, the “messenger.”
Tone and Intent
Another layer to consider is tone. When you repeat someone’s words, even with good intentions, your tone or phrasing might unintentionally convey a different emotion or level of intensity. What they shared as a fleeting frustration might sound more absolute or critical when repeated, and they may react as if it’s an attack or disagreement—even though you’re just repeating their own thoughts.
What Can We Learn From This?
If you’ve found yourself in this situation, it’s a good reminder that communication is about more than just words. People don’t always say what they mean, and they don’t always process their own emotions fully before sharing them. Here are some ways to navigate these moments more effectively:
Validate First Before reflecting someone’s words, start by validating their feelings: “I can see why you’d feel that way.” This acknowledgment can create a safer space for them to explore their thoughts without feeling judged.
Paraphrase Instead of Parrot Rather than repeating their exact words, reframe their sentiment in a softer or more constructive way. For example, if they say, “I hate how this team always drops the ball,” you might say, “It sounds like you’re frustrated with how things have been handled recently.” This can make the negativity feel less stark.
Ask Open-Ended Questions Instead of reflecting their words, try asking questions to help them unpack their thoughts: “What do you think might help in this situation?” This shifts the focus from the problem to potential solutions and keeps the conversation collaborative.
Check Your Tone Be mindful of how your tone and delivery might amplify or shift the meaning of their words. A gentle, empathetic tone can go a long way in ensuring they feel supported rather than challenged.
Recognize When to Let It Slide Sometimes, the best approach is to simply listen without reflecting or reframing. Not every comment needs a response, and sometimes just being a sounding board is enough.
At the end of the day, these interactions are a fascinating reminder of how much our words and perspectives can shift depending on context. They also highlight the power of empathy and careful communication. By staying mindful of how we reflect and respond, we can help others feel heard and understood—without unintentionally triggering defensiveness.
Next time you find yourself in a conversation where someone shares negativity, take a moment to pause before responding. You might just find that small shifts in your approach can lead to deeper connection and understanding—and fewer arguments about ideas that weren’t even yours to begin with!
I’ve recently had several conversations about change and resistance to change. Someone I greatly respect continued to say that certain people were resistant to change. I disagreed vehemently, saying they were BEGGING for change. So why were things not moving fast given these new demands? Turns out they really were “resistant to change” but it wasn’t what we typically think of when we hear that term. Or at least not for the entire group.
There are countless reasons why people fail to accept change and this impacts all parts of life. These barriers, or blocks, can show up in the workplace or in one’s personal life. They can harm your psyche and your career. The key is to identify why an individual is opposed to change since the refusal to change often has negative effects.
Change is all around us. Since change is inevitable, how do we accept it?
1. Conquer fear by embracing the unknown.
Dinner with my nieces at a sushi restaurant years ago had me thinking about one aspect of change reticence. Shortly after we sat down at our table and ordered, the sushi arrived. I travel a lot and eat food from all over the world. I’m also a foodie and even blogged a lot about favorite restaurants when I lived in Chicago and London. I will try almost anything once. So clearly I am comfortable with sushi. For my nieces, they were not as exposed by that age to a huge variety of foods. They were faced with what they consider unusual cuisine.
This leads to my first answer as to why people resist change: fear. The food made both of my nieces feel uncertain and afraid. It required them to try something different. Something potentially uncomfortable. What if it had a negative impact when they tried it?
My youngest niece started examining the food and even smelled it. She poked at the sushi as if she were a world-famous chef or food critic examining a meal. After a few moments, her older sister spoke up.
“If Uncle Adam likes this, I will try it,” she declared. She did. And while I don’t suspect she became a regular after that, she kind of liked it.
She conquered her fear by focusing on the fact that someone she trusted was not afraid. All that I had to do was make a show of enjoying my food. These kids were afraid of something unknown showing up in their world. With positive reinforcement and example, I was able to convince them (at least the older one) that sushi was nothing to fear.
When reluctance to change is rooted in fear, then the solution is to show people the opposite. The unknown is not always positive, but many times it can be beneficial to them! It doesn’t always have to be a negative, repulsive experience.
2. Eradicate ignorance by encouraging education.
People who are resistant to change are often unfamiliar with the type of material to which they are being exposed. It can differ from their educational background. Diversity, Equity and Inclusion is perhaps the best example of an area where this element of change reticence has impact. In some areas in the United States, the people who decide the curriculum might not touch on what they consider sensitive topics based upon their personal beliefs. When their students become adults and have been raised in such an environment, then they have no experience with diversity.
If all you’ve seen your entire life are green crayons, seeing a purple crayon at age 55 might just freak you out.
Whether they were sheltered by their parents, their community, or an educational system, it leaves them intellectually ignorant when it comes to diversity and inclusion issues. Before I get the negative reactions, let me add that this isn’t to say that this is the case for everyone from that background or that diverse communities don’t have their own prejudices and biases! Rather, this means that issues like discomfort with race or sexuality become an issue for many people for reasons other than hate. For some, they might see the outside world and retreat to a system that is more comfortable for them and doesn’t challenge their beliefs. Many others embrace differences and are enamored with them.
Regardless of where we originate, all humans have genes that wire them with intellectual curiosity. We can leverage this more. If we can get people excited about learning, then this element of change resistance diminishing. When confronted with something new and shown support for learning about it, the majority of people will be more open to changing their thinking patterns.
3. Inspire change by defeating apathy.
Some people really just don’t care. And that makes change even harder.
You know these people. They are often sarcastic, lethargic, and comfortable with the benefits they receive without changing. Even if they don’t include others in the workplace, or embrace new solutions or ideas, they tend to think it’s fine since they have been successful just the way they are. They get change. They even understand why it may be relevant to others, unlike those that are afraid of change or ignorant of the opportunity.
Many apathetic people use their sentiment as a crutch because at one point they did care or wanted changes. Their life experiences taught them change wouldn’t happen or that they had to fight with sticks because stronger weapons were not available. They develop shells and don’t engage. When faced with this “I don’t have time for change” crowd, it’s easy to become frustrated (and sarcastic in return). But alas, there is hope. This groups simply needs to have an opportunity to incorporate change into their lives and see results. You’ve got to make the dream seem real, the benefits tangible.
I used to joke that every important email needed a subject “You will make more money if you do this”. That was until all the hackers and spammers started using it!
4. Be aware of argumentative entertainment.
Lastly, there are people who aren’t like the apathetic types who resist change due to their own defense mechanisms or historic lethargy. In social settings, there are often those who simply enjoy criticizing. These people enjoy feeling powerful and find that shutting other people down makes them feel better about themselves. When introducing change or new ideas to a workplace or any setting, beware of those that detract from the meetings for attention or to otherwise derail it.
When it comes to the detractors who ruin positive and important messages about change, the key here is to not let them change you. They might be dedicated to rejecting ideas as some form of entertainment in what they consider a droll office meeting or other situation. When faced with that type of attitude, it’s important to nurture the people who are listening.
The odd benefit of dealing with a heckler or extremely disruptive person is that they will often lend support to your cause. If you’re giving a seminar on change and someone is completely obnoxious, people who would otherwise be on the fence about the content might change their minds. They are seeing someone willing to stand up for their beliefs and attempt to live these values, despite the criticism.
Change matters and it will never stop happening. Blanketing everyone that has an issue with change as “resistant” is oversimplified. Instead focus on what is the cause of the reticence. Understanding that might help you find a means to get them on board after all. There are no easy answers but change leaders must be able to preach to the choir and reach the apostates.
As always, I would love to hear what you think.
Be well. Lead on.
Adam
Be good to people.
Adam L. Stanley
Connections Blog Technology. Leadership. Food. Life.
Change is hard. Teaming is harder. So when you have challenges within the team, effectively delivering on a change program can be next to impossible. Multiply that by a factor of X if you have multiple programs underway and you could see how some leaders struggle. Accountability at the workplace has often been a thorny issue. Whenever it is uttered, people immediately think of shortfall scorekeeping, negativity, and a forced top-down management system.
In this kind of thinking, accountability is only necessary if the person who requires it of you is your boss. Also, problem-solving is assigned or adjudicated by the bosses. This approach is wrong because problems are rarely ever solved in time or satisfactorily.
Problem solving works better when those most directly involved in the solution collaborate and reach an end goal. Involving the boss or requiring any external arbitration slows progress. Holding each other accountable, therefore, is key.
Joseph Grenny from the Harvard Business Review calls this the Universal Accountability Principle. Here’s a breakdown of what it’s all about and how it can help you.
What is the Universal Accountability Principle?
Example: Have you ever worked in a group on a team project where that one guy simply did not carry his weight? He was late to meetings, never delivered on commitments, and when he presented output, it was of poor quality?
In teams with poor peer-to-peer accountability things can get way out of control and mediocre behavior is allowed to become a lifestyle. Ultimately, everybody loses. The better and faster your teams are at peer-to-peer problem solving, the healthier they are. The less skilled and slower they are, the more ground they prepare to breed mistrust and the dire consequences.
To a great extent, problem solving is a litmus test for the strength of workplace teams. Grenny breaks teams down into the following categories according to the Harvard Business Review.
There is no accountability in the weakest teams. In our example, no one would say anything. The guy would continue to do dumb stuff, and the project would be less impactful/successful.
Bosses are the source of accountability in mediocre teams. In our example, someone would tell me their thinking that the person was not holding their own. I would then need to spend time getting involved, asking the other team members, seeking out evidence, etc. … you get it? Slowing down the process!
Peers manage the vast majority of performance problems with each other in high-performing teams. Wouldn’t it be much more efficient if the rest of the team created a means of tracking and reporting on progress that gave transparency to his failures and forced the correction without involving the boss?
Developing a Culture of Universal Accountability
Your job as a thoughtful leader is to eliminate the laxity in solving problems and nurturing accountability among teams. It’s easier said than done. Employees may be resistant to change and unlearning takes time. However, you stand to lose a lot if you don’t start. Here are some tips for you.
1. Be the Best Example
Become accountable too. Company culture trickles down to lower cadre employees from the top. Get a coach if needed to help you do what you’re asking your juniors to do.
Other than that, watch what you say. They may get the idea that you’re the complaining but not the solving type. Why should they solve their problems if you don’t?
You can get a coach for your employees as well to teach them the value of accountability and how they can practice it. Attend the sessions as well.
2. Make Peer-to-Peer Problem Solving a Policy
You can’t nurture a culture of universal accountability by being too available to solve problems. Let the employees understand that problems must be solved ASAP, and that they can’t bring it to you unless they absolutely can’t find a solution. Should the problem have to come to you, encourage or require the employees involved to bring it in together.
3. Avoid the Temptation to Respond to Premature Escalations
Escalation is okay when there’s a deserving issue – such as harassment or engaging in unethical activities. Premature escalation, however, calls management to an issue that can be solved between the aggrieved parties –resulting in wasted time and dragging more people into the mess. (My name is Wes …)
When someone tries the premature escalation, you can help them solve the issue with the source without getting involved. Find out whether they’ve talked to the person about it and how they responded. Encourage them to talk about it over coffee or something else to reach a consensus. Encourage them to perhaps involve another peer from the project as an objective listener and/or mediator.
Behaviors to Avoid
Made up your mind to embrace universal accountability? Great! It’s good to know what the GOOD behaviours are. But, you also need to shed some behaviors if this is going to work out. There are likely loads more but here are two I find most important.
Panic
Stressful times are bound to come. But there’s a difference between reacting and responding. There’s a difference between hearing and listening too. Panic is a reaction. It exacerbates the situation and throws people off balance.
Listening involves empathizing with the grieved party. Empathy will help employees deal with the situation or solve it altogether.
Narrowly Defining Your Team
The relationship between team members has to transcend the ‘shared boss’ parameters. High-performing teams have nothing to do with cadre and levels. Cross-functional teams are 15% more likely to succeed in innovation. Their chances of success are 76% higher if top management supports them.
Peers should solve problems between them together regardless of their position in the workplace hierarchy.
In many ways, the value of peer-to-peer accountability is destroyed when two bosses from two different departments have to step in to solve a problem between two employees.
The Benefits
Here are the tell-tale signs that your teams are getting grounded in the universal accountability culture.
Problem Solving Without Involving Management
If a problem arises and the employees are able to solve it without involving the boss, it’s a great indicator that the right culture is setting in and hauling in the benefits. There’s more. It will increase cohesion among teams and of course, satisfaction, confidence and morale among employees.
Reduced Time To Solve Problems
A boss who has to oversee 10 teams and report to another boss has little time and admittedly, mental bandwidth to solve conflict whenever it arises. Even with an award-winning HR department, they would be dismal performance if all HR does is solve conflict.
When two peers, or cross functional employees can solve their problems amongst themselves, the issue never has to get to the boss’s desk. It saves time for everybody.
Shorter But More Effective Meetings
If we’re honest, none of us thought it was possible to get burnout from online meetings until they became normal. It’s worse if half of the meeting agenda is about problem solving. The fewer problems there are, the shorter meetings there will be. Fewer problems also shift the focus to more important things.
Problem solving works better when those most directly involved in the solution collaborate and reach an end goal. So the next time you are working with someone and are tempted to “bring it to the boss”, rethink that decision and try one more time to make it work with your peer. You might just be surprised how things resolve with a little extra attention.
And remember, we are not defined by the titles on our business cards. The words printed there do not empower us nor should they stifle our ability to contribute to the team. Regardless of the labels attached to us, each of us brings ideas, questions, experiences, and a unique perspective which allows us to contribute to a conversation beyond the scope of our title.
We are the start of the needed change in the world. The more we talk openly and honestly to each other the better off we will be and the more we will contribute to the greater solution.
So this is my ask to you:
Be Mindful. Not everyone is coming to work each day feeling as though it’s business as usual. We have colleagues impacted by COVID, impacted by protests in their communities, and colleagues emotionally or directly impacted by racial injustice.
Be Empathic and Authentic that as we “return to the office” and “create a new normal” that each of us needs to find an appropriate work-life balance to ensure our physical, emotional, and/or mental health is put first.
Be Diligent. Hold your peers and managers accountable and speak out against racism when you witness it. If comfortable, constructively share feedback directly with the individual. If needed, report any instances of racism, however big or small they may seem to you, to your HR leader. Speaking up is not meant to “punish”, but to provide learning opportunities for individuals that may benefit.
Be Engaged. Below are some ways to start:
Join an Employee Resource Group and become an active member and leader.
Being an early adopter has its perils, but sitting on the sidelines thinking no major action is needed can be the kiss of death for any company navigating disruptive waters
In my last blog, I reviewed the magnitude of change swamping commercial real estate and how our firm has established four goals to keep our teams focused on delivering the most practical systems and tools for our buck, while also embracing the best cutting-edge innovations.
We touched on the speed of change (in case you haven’t noticed) and I raised the specter of quantum computing, which will make even millennials feel like dinosaurs in the digital age.
Search quantum computing and you’ll find out what I’m talking about. For the purpose of this blog, think of it as computers teaching each other to analyze problems more like humans. Quantum computing is to today’s computing what the IPhone 10 is to a pocket watch from 1920. All of the big players in tech, including IBM, Google and Microsoft, are in the global race to build the world’s first practical quantum computer, and the prestigious journal Science said Google expected to have a 50-qubit quantum computer by the end of this year.
Once quantum computing is made widely available, it will spark the next industrial-super revolution, which will be many times bigger than that caused by the birth of personal-computing in 1984, or the rise of the searchable internet in 1995.
Meanwhile, while we wait for this seismic shift to occur, the digital revolution is quickly gaining momentum. Take data for a moment (bear with me; it really is interesting): In 2010, you might have produced a gigabyte (1,000 megabytes) of data in a week or two – or even a month. That’s the equivalent to about 200 songs, 10 episodes of the Game of Thrones, or roughly 34,000 emails.
Today, an enterprise user produces 60 gigabytes per hour! So, before lunch, the average employee produces about 400 gigabytes. Multiply that by the hundreds of millions of people creating data every day and you can see how 90% of the world’s data was created in the last two years.
With such mind-blowing speed of change in mind, think of companies like Facebook, Google, and Amazon. They only got started in the mid-90s, not long ago considering their ginormous size and power. And, just as these new giants rose up, other iconic brands were taken out by disruptive change, including:
– Kodak, which had more digital photography patents than any other company;
– US Steel Mills, with the highest quality and tremendous customer loyalty;
– Many national hotel brands that had consultants hooked on their points and rewards, and;
– Blockbuster, which is perhaps everyone’s favorite story of a giant that was killed by a fledgling startup.
As we move deeper in to the information age, the forces of change will continue to broadside unlikely companies. No matter what period in modern history we’re talking about, what’s always separated winners from losers is what leaders do at critical inflection points that demand change.
Will we be Blockbuster or Netflix? That’s top-of-mind question for leadership at my current company, which refuses to fall into any complacency traps (not in our DNA!). Should we be worried? Not if we focus on value, which to our firm means: a strong bias for action and results; value created by insights not transactions; and giving our people the right platform to drive growth. That, and always keeping an eye out for the next big thing!
Be well. Lead On. Adam
Adam L. Stanley Connections Blog Technology. Leadership. Food. Life.
With such mind-blowing speed of change in mind, think of companies like Facebook, Google, and Amazon. They only got started in the mid-90s, not long ago considering their ginormous size and power. And, just as these new giants rose up, other iconic brands were taken out by disruptive change, including: