Are you listening or waiting to voice your own opinions? A recent exchange with someone I respect for many reasons, but struggle to understand for many others, reminded me of how important this topic is today. If we expect to communicate effectively we need to listen for comprehension before we can reply constructively.
There’s so much anger, hatred, and misunderstanding in our world. The problem has been exacerbated by social media and related tools that make it very easy to communicate sound bites but difficult to communicate emotions. With technology getting in the way it’s easy to forget that behind the words are individuals with valid thoughts and feelings.
So the question I have is what can we do about it? I started looking at different communication streams such as WhatsApp and Twitter among others. I noticed that instead of using long form posts there are more people using the ability to string along multiple short messages to more comprehensively express an opinion.
This method of communicating in short bits is susceptible to a specific type of issue. Most of the responses seemed to be immediate responses to individual parts of the thread. As a result, instead of responding to the overall comprehensive thought, individuals are responding to one point which by itself might not adequately capture the idea.
Poor Listening is Bad for Business
The fact is, this is not a new phenomenon. It exists in many corporate offices today. It goes like this …
Me: I was thinking perhaps we should rethink the way our team works ….
Them (interrupting): I totally agree. We tend to only talk to those we think hold power.
Me: Actually, I was more specifically focused on the tools and processes we use for collaboration …..
Them (interrupting again): Yes, totally on point. Because the most important person in the room always takes up too much time during meetings.
Me: That might be true, but I really want to focus on the way we get work done, which as you know is 90% of our time whereas the meetings you are referencing are only 10% ….
Perhaps you have experienced this?
The challenge is that by the time you have finished your first sentence, everyone in the conversation has immediately jumped to a conclusion and their biases have surfaced. Once their opinions have come to the forefront of their mind, it becomes very difficult to shove them back. Therefore you find that regardless of what you say they will get their point out even if it actually has nothing to do with what you intended to cover.
Five Tips to Better Listening and Improved Communication
1. Prepare for the Meeting
Pre-read any materials sent out before a meeting noting important points and referencing things you didn’t know before. This will enable you to more constructively provide feedback both positive and negative. Having an overview of the key points will reduce the risk of you first seeing something that may cause a visceral reaction during the meeting.
Even if you read something with which you vehemently disagree, the additional time to consider and react will reduce the likelihood of a blow up during the meeting. It also gives you the chance to reach out and discuss the point in a one on one manner with the individual if necessary. As an added benefit this allows you time to do your own research and provide supporting information for your point of view.
2. Practice Active Listening
Active Listening is a requirement for both verbal and written communication. Effective listening requires an open mind, paying attention, appropriate feedback, and empathy. Without these skills disagreements and miscommunication are bound to ensue.
A family member of mine has what I call “rapid response syndrome”. He sees the first line of a message, assumes what the rest of the message will be, and begins to reply immediately. The disagreement starts before the first thought is even completed.
When looking at a text message whether it is on teams, LinkedIn, WhatsApp, or I message you should be able to see when an individual is still typing. I use this as a great indicator as to whether they have finished their thought and are ready for my response. Once they are finished typing, I read the entire stream, wait a few moments, consider both the words they wrote, the intention and context, then consider how I want to reply.
3. Breathe
Practice breathing. It can be very very uncomfortable, but consider the concept of buffering. Local television stations doing live shows actually broadcast with just enough latency that they can bleep out the errant profanity or crude gesture. It’s not minutes but seconds.
In a conversation, seconds can make a huge difference. Try to let your colleague finish his or her sentence fully, pause and breathe for 3-5 seconds. As you’re reading, it sounds like nothing, right? Try it. To many it will feel like FOREVER. Over time, it will be much more natural. If helpful, simply say “Well” or “Thanks” to cover some of that “long” gap.
4. Don’t Interrupt
Think about how you feel when you are interrupted at work or at home. It doesn’t feel good does it? When we interrupt someone it changes the dynamics of the conversation. They may feel that they are not being respected and that their point isn’t being heard resulting in anger, rudeness, or resentment.
A second but at least equally important problem with interrupting is that we don’t actually get to hear what the other person was going to say. Instead of listening we made an assumption and imposed our ideas over theirs. Additionally we likely derailed their train of thought in which case we may never get to hear where they wanted the conversation to go.
5. Be Empathetic
Always consider context and never forget the person with whom you are speaking is a person. They have feelings and a right to be heard. Try to visualize what you are hearing, put yourself in their position, and listen with empathy.
Effective communication is just as much about listening as it is about sharing our own thoughts and ideas. Consider your own communication prowess. Are you listening or thinking about what you want to say next?
Be well. Lead on.
Adam
Covid is still an issue. Please stay safe and wear a mask.
Adam L. Stanley
Connections Blog Technology. Leadership. Food. Life.
Follow me on Twitter | Connect with me on Linked In | Comment below.
I continue to hear a common refrain from people I do not know, some friends and colleagues, and even some within my family. The words are different from person to person, but the message is pretty much the same. “The people speaking up about police brutality and racial justice are not saying anything about violence in the cities. They want to have demonstrations at sporting events, but nothing about black on black violence.”
It seems that only the black man must choose one or the other cause to support, or one organization. We should not allow the media or society to dictate we must choose one or the other.
There are THOUSANDS of single-issue community organizations. If you follow or watch any one of them, and only one of them, you will ALWAYS conclude they seem to ignore every other issue. It’s like saying, “I hate the Christian church because they only focus on Jesus and not the other spiritually important figures of the world, like Buddha or the prophet Mohammed.” Of course CHRISTian churches focus on Jesus! The most effective organizations pick a cause and stick with that one cause.
That does not mean that an individual can only support one cause. Yes, you will notice I reference #BLM or Black Lives Matter from time to time on my social media streams. And, yes, this particular movement focuses almost exclusively on racial justice and policing reform. But that is only part of the story. Certainly only part of my story.
I support non-violent protests of police criminal negligence and racism. AND I support any and all efforts to end violence in our neighborhoods, including black on black crime. And many many many people do. There are VASTLY more organizations dedicated to ending violence in inner cities – supporting troubled youth, improving education, getting guns out of the hands of those who should not own them, and uplifting neighborhood communities – than there are dedicated to racial equality and effective policing. And the combined giving to inner city youth programs, by the athletes and celebrities people tend to reference most often, is exponentially greater than anything they do for Black Lives Matter. Find your local Boys & Girls Club and you will find an athlete or celebrity behind it. The media may only cover the closed fists in the air, the protest marches, and the #BLM social media banners, but we would be remiss if we judge them on only what is shown on TV.
Has anyone actually researched the types of organizations Colin K supports? Unlikely!!! They just notice the kneeling and the #BlackLivesMatter movement the media talks about.
Being the change you wish to see does not require you to choose only one cause!
What’s in your wallet?
Your role as a citizen of the world is to build a “portfolio” of causes that matter to you and will allow you to get the greatest return on your investment of time, talent, and treasure. That is your challenge: Can you find a way to live the life God wants you to live and spread love the way so many spread hate? Be the change YOU want to be, not simply doing what society wants you to do.
For unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall much be required; and to whom men have committed much, of him they will ask the more. Luke 12:48
Be well. Lead on.
Adam
Covid is still an issue. Please stay safe and wear a mask.
Adam L. Stanley
Connections Blog Technology. Leadership. Food. Life.
Follow me on Twitter | Connect with me on Linked In | Comment below.
Several of my white colleagues that know me well, along with some friends, have asked me for a short list (ha!) of things I feel they should know if they do not take anything else out of the conversations about race in corporate America that have begun in earnest. So I figured I would also share them here for those who have not asked. Of course, race goes so much deeper than this, but if you don’t change anything else, change these three things.
Please do not act as if you “have the answers” – you do not. We know you are in charge, but need you to listen and engage in developing a plan. If you had the answers, and are in power, why haven’t you implemented anything?
Please do not tell us that you come from a diverse background or a poor upbringing and that qualifies you to discuss the black experience. We really do respect your difference. But we do not care right now. You still have privilege in that you walk into restaurants, stores, and corporate offices you look like a white man, regardless of your background.
Please never refer to a black person as “articulate” – perhaps the greatest insult to many professional black people, this statement implies your surprise at the “relative” ability of said person to form a sentence
Be well. Lead on.
Adam
Covid is still an issue. Please stay safe and wear a mask.
Adam L. Stanley
Connections Blog Technology. Leadership. Food. Life.
Follow me on Twitter | Connect with me on Linked In | Comment below.
We are the start of the needed change in the world. The more we talk openly and honestly to each other the better off we will be and the more we will contribute to the greater solution.
So this is my ask to you:
Be Mindful. Not everyone is coming to work each day feeling as though it’s business as usual. We have colleagues impacted by COVID, impacted by protests in their communities, and colleagues emotionally or directly impacted by racial injustice.
Be Empathic and Authentic that as we “return to the office” and “create a new normal” that each of us needs to find an appropriate work-life balance to ensure our physical, emotional, and/or mental health is put first.
Be Diligent. Hold your peers and managers accountable and speak out against racism when you witness it. If comfortable, constructively share feedback directly with the individual. If needed, report any instances of racism, however big or small they may seem to you, to your HR leader. Speaking up is not meant to “punish”, but to provide learning opportunities for individuals that may benefit.
Be Engaged. Below are some ways to start:
Join an Employee Resource Group and become an active member and leader.
This might be an annoying blog for those of you out there, none of my friends of course, that are promoting “Straight Pride” during LGBTQ Pride Month here in the United States. More to come on that. For now, just one thing that is currently on my pet peeve list.
“It’s just hard to think about them together.”
Close your eyes. Try to remember the last conversation you had with a co-worker or a distant friend about their life. They probably talked about their family and if they are married they may even have discussed their spouse. Think about the details of the conversation and what you were thinking during the conversation. Pause. At any time during the conversation were you visualizing your friend and his or her spouse having sex?
My guess is that the vast, vast, vast, vast, vast majority of you said no to that question. And that is of course no surprise because you talk about people’s families and their vacations and all kinds of other details on a regular basis at work without thinking about the particulars of what they do in their bedroom. It is therefore surprising to me how often I hear the comment around it being difficult to have conversations with gay people about their families because it’s hard to picture two men together or two women together. What exactly are you trying to picture?
This month is Pride Month. Someone you know is gay. Someone you know is a lesbian. Someone you know might be questioning. And all of them are unique individuals with different dreams, different backgrounds, different perspectives. Just like you are different. Let’s make this a month to learn about each other.
Happy Pride!
Be well. Lead on.
Adam
Adam L. Stanley
Adam L. Stanley Connections Blog Technology. Leadership. Food. Life.
The piece below was written by my sister, whose writing name is Soulbalm but most people just call her Soul. In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I want to share it with you. Have a blessed Thanksgiving where unconditional love prevails and drama is minimized.
Be well. Lead on.
Adam
Thanks
by Soulbalm
To those who have been my friend over decades and years
To those who have befriended me in the last several years or months or days
To those who have listened and supported
To those who have heard a word worth sharing
To those who have encouraged me to keep moving forward when I wanted to sit down
To those who keep pushing me to go beyond my last effort into my brighter tomorrow
To my family for showing me what love looks like and feels like
To my Creator for showing me what love sounds like, thinks like, and what it consists of
To those who criticize for giving me something to think about and reach towards
To those who hate for inspiring me to love even harder
To those who troll for giving me people to pray over who need it more than the ones who they troll the hardest
To this media source for allowing me to connect with friends all over the world
To my children for allowing me to understand why God hasn’t quit on us yet
To death for reminding me my days are numbered
To life for reminding me that my purpose is not yet fulfilled
To doubt for making me dig deeper
To hope for making me reach higher
To faith for making me recognize the seen as powerful but the unseen as limitless
To fear for stretching my faith
To LOVE who makes all things possible
