Many of you have read my stories from the Morning and Afternoon of the awful nightmare that was September 11, 2001. It took two years for me to be able to share my morning story broadly, and several more years to talk about the rest of the story.
I will never forget the tragedy. But I will also never forget the way we rallied together. On this 15th anniversary, I choose to remember it all. The horror and the light that emerged from the darkness.
I remember the friend of a friend of a friend who opened her house to me that night. The four strangers that shared a rental van with me so we could find a train or plane to wherever.
I remember the massive headache I had until I was finally out of the city, literally crossing the border into the city of Chicago in that Philadelphia procured rental van with four strangers. And sharing hugs with my partner, my family, and my friends in Chicago. The joy and love I felt when I was finally able to listen to my voicemails, check email, and see so many people that cared.
I remember the heartache on September 22, when I first returned to New York and tried to start working again. It’s hard to describe but feeling a mixture of relief you could just move on, sadness so many people would never return to their desks, and a bit of melancholy thinking of how little what you were doing actually meant in the grand scheme of things.
I remember the wretched sickness of the smell of burnt steel, and human decay. Walking back to the building so close to Ground Zero. Going up to the cafeteria where I first saw the tower burning and seeing a vast emptiness where once two great towers stood. To my office where the CFO and I had stood watching the events unfold, in anger and tears.
I remember the concerts, the signs, the flowers everywhere, the photos of missing loved ones. I cry thinking of the faces of those who did not know for sure for weeks. Some still do not have any remains to bury.
I remember the names. Oh God the names. That was, and remains, the most difficult part for me. It has been 15 years and I still cannot say for sure that I did not know someone else that perished that day. So many people died. Who amongst the long list was an ex-lover, a former coworker, a grade school friend? Who had sat next to me on the plane the previous day? Was one of the flight attendants someone that greeted me with a smile on one of my countless flights around the country? Someone I stood in line with at Barneys New York nearby, or one of the coffee trucks.
I remember the news. Constant, unending reminders of what happened. Pundits from all over the country, many of whom were nowhere near Ground Zero, pontificating about what happened. Troops being deployed by a Pentagon still mourning the loss of so many of their own. Stories of the heroes and photos of the perpetrators. I remember shutting it all out as much as I could.
I remember the different views of my friends and colleagues. Some of us walked through or were in the building when the tragedy started. Others were merely blocks away. Some worked in midtown but lived near the World Trade Center. Some were out of town when it happened. Others had never even been to New York but were fellow Americans. Many people had a story simply because wherever they were in the world, their hearts were horrified by what had happened.
It was hard for me to talk to anyone for a while after that day. My story was different than their story. And in many ways that made it hard to comfort each other. I could no more comfort someone who personally saw someone falling from one of the towers than I could be comforted by someone who only watched the horror on television. But there was hope and their was a spirit of resilience. There was a sense that we would overcome what happened and be stronger as a nation and as a people.
The media will lead you to believe we have lost all of that. That we have become more divided now than we were then. I do not believe that. I remain full of hope that we can rise above hatred, bigotry and all forms of evil. By the grace of God, we can be better and live better. We can love.
My Ask
My ask is simple. Do not use this 15th anniversary of that terrible day as a means to justify hatred, elect a political leader, or prove just how much more patriotic you are than the next person. Use it to show love. However you know how. “Never Forget” the lives that were lost. But also never forget those that were saved and those that saved. Never forget those who called you that day just to say hello and tell you they loved you. Never forget the renewed sense of optimism you had and the determination to rebuild and prove that we were not defeated. Never forget the people of many races, socioeconomic backgrounds, and religions that rallied together to help those in need.
Never forget that in a moment of pure terror, there was light somewhere near you.
Bring that light back. And the bad guys will never win.
Are you allowing your colleagues to get to know YOU?
Recently, I was asked by Todd Tukey “What advice would you give a 14 year-old based on what you’ve learned to date?” Todd was writing a series of blog posts intended to empower youth. (Here is first post)
I thought long and hard about this question. I turned over different tidbits on my education, leveraging support networks, and never being afraid to ask for help. Obviously I thought about working hard, the value of teamwork, etc. I thought about striving to be the best, setting clear goals, and more. The things that were coming to my mind were aspects that drove the first 10 years of my career, and continue to be important.
But in the end, they all paled in comparison to one thing that’s driven my career, my relationships, and my friendships the most: being unapologetically me.
When I got to that place and understood the power of authenticity, I wanted to sit down and write something about it. Then I checked myself. So many people — especially the leadership “gurus” — bring up authenticity as a topic. It can seem kind of old. It can also seem preachy. And then my other fear, which is maybe a bit misguided, is that if I put down a bunch of revealing thoughts on authenticity, I’d somehow jinx myself.
I turned all that over in my head for a while and finally decided to put down some thoughts. Here goes.
Being phony is stressful.
Duh.
Maryam Kouchaki, a professor of management and organizations at Northwestern University, has done a bunch of work around being authentic vs. being phony in work contexts. Here’s a quote from one of her write-ups that struck me:
“We shouldn’t overlook the psychological distress that comes with inauthentic behavior,” she says. “Just as an immoral act violates widely accepted societal moral norms and produces negative feelings, an inauthentic act violates being true to oneself, and it can take a similar toll.”
We talk a lot about immoral actions at work, especially in the context of inflated CEO pay or executives taking liberties. But all in all, that stuff is rare. People being inauthentic at work? That happens every minute. It happens for different reasons, but I’d argue No. 1 is notions around professionalism. People are afraid that if they act ‘real’ at work, it might offend a boss or higher-up — and that will limit their career trajectory. I know. I’ve felt that way myself.
Over time, I’ve come to look at it like this: some people will love me. Some will hate me. The majority fall somewhere in the middle. But as you work and develop other relationships, you can’t alter your personality or hide key parts of who you are. That decision — to be yourself, always — is one of the most critical career choices you ever make. It’s a lot bigger than whether to jump from Job A to Job B, if you plan to be inauthentic at both spots.
Harness the power of letting yourself be YOU.
Here are a few benefits I saw from pursuing authenticity at work:
My work relationships got stronger
Early in my career, I thought that to succeed you had to like the same things as your colleagues, do the same things that your colleagues do, and talk about the same things as your colleagues. When I made the decision to be myself, talking about things that mattered to me, I realized just how wrong I was.
My colleagues actually were interested in knowing more about who I was. I hadn’t been very social out of work in those days, and my colleagues were assuming I just wasn’t a social person. Once I contextualized that, and started being me, those dynamics got deeper. I felt like I wasn’t “hiding” anything anymore.
My personal relationships also got stronger
For a long time, I kept a strict ‘church and state’ between my partner at home and my work (same with my family/friends and work). It was a very strong, very defined line for me.
Over time, as I broke down those walls, I saw some of my personal relationships change. My friends and my partner saw why I was working late. They met other people who were there until 8pm dealing with a difficult banking client on a consulting engagement. They were also able to see what made me happy in a work context, what made me upset, and get to know the personalities of the people I was spending 10-12 hours/day with. This made my personal relationships stronger because we had more of a lexicon. There was more to discuss. And now my partner and friends had access to a part of my life I had previously closed off.
My output got stronger
Think of it like this: if you have a colleague with limited English language skills in an American meeting, what tends to happen? When a big idea is being discussed, that colleague might have a great perspective but struggle to verbalize. He expends so much energy trying to explain/contextualize the idea in English that the value of the idea diminishes. He’s putting all his effort towards form, whereas it should go to the more valuable facet, output and outcomes.
That’s an imperfect analogy, but it’s how I think about authenticity too. When you’re worried about every step you’re taking in terms of corporate culture (or pleasing bosses or anything else), that’s occupying a lot of your headspace. It’s hard to be strategic when you’re always checking yourself. But when you’re being yourself, in a state of flow, the ideas and output are there. I was able to deliver more and sell more. All my standard business performance metrics went up.
Hopefully my approach to this topic wasn’t too tired compared to other stuff you’ve seen or read. If you’ve had experiences at work where you’ve had to check your real self, let me know about them. What did you do? How did your thinking evolve?
My friends and colleagues that know me well know that I don’t believe in New Year’s Resolutions. Sure, I want to be healthier, work out more, make more phone calls, blah, blah, and blah. But why tell everyone that each January when life changes too frequently for those kind of commitments. Last year, I drafted a list of five simple things people could resolve to do instead of their normal lists. And I stand to that. I would love to hear whether you tried any of them. (See here if you did not read that post.)
This year, instead of a resolution, I decided to document something much more important.
My Personal Ten Commandments
I got this idea from a book of ideas I received from a professional organization I have just joined. And I think it is brilliant. Your life will change. Your job will change. Your circle of friends will evolve. But your core values and principles should be consistent. And while you may compromise on compensation, title, which restaurant to dine at or movie to see, there should be certain things about which you refuse to compromise. Here are my personal 10 Commandments. I would love to see yours!
I. I will put life before money
Money is helpful in life but it is not life. I enjoy the fruits of my career, but do not be deceived as I would rather have nothing than sellout my core values. I will not devote my life to the pursuit of money, popularity, prestige, or social status. I will not envy someone else’s worldly goods, personal or professional reputation, achievements or any temporary success.
II. I will be my authentic self.
Regardless of how successful someone might seem, trying to emulate that person will not make me equally successful. Yes, that jerk has made it to a high point in his career. But I am not a jerk. I do not want to be a jerk. And if being a jerk is required to get to that next step, I will accept my ceiling happily.
III. I will never use religion to justify intolerance
I am unashamedly and apologetically a Christian. My beliefs influence how I act and how I make decisions. However, my beliefs are personal and should never be used for hate or harm. I expect the same from others but sadly this has not been the case, especially of late.
IV. I will never lose sight of the big picture.
Details are important, but too often relationships are hurt, jobs killed, and wars lost because people lost sight of what really mattered. I will endeavor to always see the forest AND the trees.
V. In all that I do, I will strive for high quality
I must continually look to improve on old models and practices, working to dedicate myself to being the best that I can be, everyday, in whatever activity or cause to which I find myself attached.
VI. I will love, honor, and cherish those that nurtured me
The purpose of life is to gather the wisdom of the ages, add your individuality and change the world. Try to make it a better or at least a more interesting place. H Wexler
My mom and dad, my sister and my best friends. My mentors Ken P, Louis R, Mike E, Jack W, Adam S, Dan K, and on an on. You mean so much to me and have taught me so much. I learned from you and for that I thank you. I hope to provide similar nurturing to future leaders.
VII.No one is better than me and I am no better than anyone else
Do not treat the lives of other people as less valuable than your own. Ever. No matter how right you may feel. Start with the premise of equality and then try to find the perspective of the other side. I am saddened by the hatred in the world today largely caused by people forgetting the one rule that exists in all major world religions. Treat others as you want to be treated. Do not be prejudiced. I will always try to get to know the individual and not judge him or her by a race, religion, or other characteristic.
VIII. I will allow individuals to drive their destiny and take responsibility for their decisions
I blogged on this recently with a focus on senior leaders. But the principle applies to everyone. If you allow people to make as many decisions about their own lives and circles, they will be better equipped than you. And, they can learn from their successes and failures.
IX. I will be honest and fair
A white lie is a lie. Misleading people is like telling a white lie. Hiding key elements of a complete story is misleading people. I will strive to be as honest and true as possible, managing truth that could hurt people effectively but never hiding the truth to avoid difficult conversations. I will not cheat or exploit people. I will not always be polite or politically correct, but I will be respectful.
X. I will laugh at every opportunity, and with as many people as I can.
Laughter gives us distance. It allows us to step back from an event, deal with it and then move on. –Bob Newhart
So, that’s my list. What’s yours? Have a wonderful, relaxing as you want it to be, fun as you’d like it to be, New Year. And thank you for your continued connection.
“To Be Happier, Write Your Own Set of Personal Commandments” by @gretchenrubin on @LinkedIn https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/20131129204900-6526187-to-be-happier-write-your-own-set-of-personal-commandments
I recently visited with family in North Carolina and found a box of old books. One of them was called “Just Being Happy: A little book of Happy Thoughts”, edited by Edwin Osgood Grover. I loved seeing it. It was a compendium of quotes in the days before the Internet and Twitter. Copyright 1913!!
One of my favorite points from the author was in his explanation of why he curated the book.
The pleasure in happiness comes in the pursuit and not the attainment of happiness.
I agree. Will I ever be completely satisfied with everything, content with every day at work, joyful in every conversation with friends or family, or pleased with every bill or obligation? No!! But I’m going to enjoy trying to be happy.
Here are a few of my favorite excerpts:
There is a beautiful and an ugly way in which to say almost everything, and happiness depends upon which way we take. You can upset a person for the whole day by the harsh way in which you may call him in the morning, or you may give him a beautiful start by the cheeriness of your greeting. So not only in words but in all the little common courtesies and duties of life, think of the beautiful way of doing each. – Delia L. Porter
Do not keep the alabaster box of your love and friendship sealed up until your friends are dead. Fill their lives with sweetness. Speak approving, cheering words while their ears can hear them, and while their hearts can be thrilled and made happier. The kind things you mean to say when they are gone, say before they go. – George W. Childs
Life is short, and we ever have too much time for glad denying the hearts of those who are travel linde dark journey with us. O be swift to love, make haste to be kind! – Amiel
Be Well. Lead On.
Adam
Adam L. Stanley
Connections Blog Technology. Leadership. Food. Life.
Wow. It’s 2015. I can’t believe another year has come and gone. I joined a new company this year. Met dozens of new people. Learned more about myself and what matters. Watched my neices and nephew mature and change. Lost a few of my favorite entertainers. Added a couple of countries to my travel list. Purged a few negative relationships. Made the Crains Chicago top tech list and breached the 5000 followers level on Twitter. Found a lot of gray in my beard that was not there last year. And some things started hurting for no reason. Sigh. Enjoyed several new restaurants. Rejoined a gym and actually went for quite a while. And, most importantly, I ended the year more at peace than I started it.
So now it’s time to start a new year.
New year.
New beginnings.
New perspectives.
New opportunities.
So what are you going to include in your new year resolution? Here is what I would suggest:
1) Forgive someone this year. Someone once said that it takes a strong person to say sorry, and an ever stronger person to forgive.
2) Fall in love with yourself again. Sometimes your fiercest critic is yourself. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross has a popular quote I love > “People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is light from within.”
3) Give more. You don’t have to have loads of money to make an impact. Think about what little things you can do to help out others. Give $5 more each month than you have in 2014 to an organization or religious institution that does something positive.
4) Lead on. Mentor someone or commit to being a better boss or team player. Take charge in an area that has chronically lacked leadership. Make a difference.
5) Hug more. Go do it now. Give someone a hug. If you’re not a hugger, just give them a smile. You will change their day.
This is the easy stuff.
Yes, I’m a little bit hoaky. Perhaps idealistic. But I’m pretty sure I won’t go to the gym five times a week all year. I likely won’t lose 20 pounds or find my six pack abs. So, when it comes down to it, the above items are much more realistic!
So, I resolve to do the above five things. Join me, or let me know what your resolution will be. May the year 2015 be your best year yet.
Cinnamon scented pine cones roasting by an open fire. Cookie nipping at his presents. Yuletide carols being song by Spotify. And all of us escaping from Chicago to the somewhat warmer mountains of North Carolina.
This year was interesting in so many ways. A new company in a new industry that spun off from a parent, was funded by a strong consortium and is now set to close on a substantial acquisition. Good times with many new and long time friends. Getting back to the gym for a steady three months (and then stopping for the last month …) Being named to Crain’s Chicago Tech 50 list and meeting dozens of tech entrepreneurs. And of course spending quality time with my family and friends around the world.
Everybody knows a turkey, and some mistletoe, helps to make the season right, but it’s life connections and new experiences, such as those shared with you, that made 2014 bright. So, click here for my special greeting for you.
II. I will be my authentic self. 
